Baby, it's all good!

What do you see when you look at me

Do you see someone limited, or someone free

All some people can do is just look and stare

Simply because they can't see my hair

Others think I am controlled and uneducated

They think that I am limited and un-liberated

They are so thankful that they are not me

Because they would like to remain 'free'

Well free isn't exactly the word I would've used

Describing women who are cheated on and abused

They think that I do not have opinions or voice

They think that being hooded isn't my choice

They think that the hood makes me look caged

That my husband or dad are totally outraged

All they can do is look at me in fear

And in my eye there is a tear

Not because I have been stared at or made fun of

But because people are ignoring the

One up above

On the day of judgment they will be the fools

Because they were too ashamed to play by their own rules

Maybe the guys won't think I am a cutie

But at least I am filled with more inner beauty

See I have declined from being a guy's toy

Because I won't let myself be controlled by a boy

Real men are able to appreciate my mind

And aren't busy looking at my behind

Hooded girls are the ones really helping the Muslim cause

The role that we play definitely deserves applause

I will be recognized because I am smart and bright

And because some people are inspired by my sight

The smart ones are attracted by my tranquility

In the back of their mind they wish they were me

We have the strength to do what we think is right

Even if it means putting up a life long fight

You see we are not controlled by a mini skirt and tight shirt

We are given only respect, and never treated like dirt

So you see, we are the ones that are free and liberated

We are not the ones that are sexually terrorized and violated

We are the ones that are free and pure

We're free of STD's that have no cure

So when people ask you how you feel about the hood

Just sum it up by saying, 'Baby its all good'

Author unknown

Hijab

Someone asked me why do I wear a hijab...

"And say to the believing women that they should restrain their eyes, and guard their modesty (virtue), and that they display not their ornaments except what appears of them. And that they draw their veils over their bosoms and display not their ornaments except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husbands fathers, or their sons, or their husband's sons, or their brothers, or their brothers' sons, or their sister's sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male domestics who have no natural sexual force, or children who know nothing of women's nakedness. And let them not strike their feet together so as to reveal their hidden ornaments. And repent you all to Allah, O you believers, that you may succeed." [24:31]

I wear because it is required by religion to do so. I do not question it because I truly see the beauty and logic in it. But please also keep in mind that the hijab itself does not symbolizes 'alimness'. 'Alimness' is between you and Allah. But there is a tendency for people to equate a person wearing a hijab and doing horrible deeds as a symbol of Islam. We have ourselves to blame for that as we forget that when we do wear the hijab, our actions should represent what we believe in, Allah, thus our religion Islam. So we should care about what we do as people will continuously see the hijab as representation of Islam. Do I do my best to do what is necessary? That is a question I will continue to ask myself as long as I am allowed time here on earth.

Suffering...

I was watching Beyond Borders a few nights ago. I was hit very hard with the images of suffering and those images are not even the raw footage of what is really going on as it has gone through the Hollywood process. But even then I got really sad thinking about the people that are suffering...Especially children. I get hungry and thirsty during Ramadhan but at the end of the day I get to pick and choose from the many delicacies available to break my fast. People at these places call hell on earth do not have that choice. And I think to myself, what have I contributed as a person part of a society that is stable. Yeah I give money to foundations that I believe in but what do I really do as in to physically help? I should be volunteering to go to these hot zones like when Indonesia was hit by the tsunami. What stopped me? I do not have the responsibility of a marriage...no husband...no children...I should go. What stopped me was work...I cannot just pick a bag and leave as there is no way my institution would just allow me to take a 3 week leave to do volunteer work. Sounds like an excuse but it happens to be a solid one. So I have made up my mind to find a way to not work for people but to be my own boss in a few years time. Do I have the guts?? I do not know for sure...there's a lot of planning involved and not to forget the financial part. But at least then I have the freedom to do some of the things I plan. Some might say it's naive for me to even consider but I guess this is one experience I have to learn on my own. So even if I fall, I can get up with pride because at least I tried.

Amigos para siempre...

Friendship is one of the best relationship a person can have (of course this comes from a person with no love life - but try to have an open mind). I do not have many female friends but the few that I have I treasure beyond priceless material things (seriously - not trying to sound cliche-ish). Two of my best friends, Monster and Pink Lady, and I have been been through the toughest parts of our lives together since teenagers eventhough at times we were not there physically but only in thought. We've been through breakups, hookups, wedding, births, death and even dissatisfaction among the three (sporadic communication for two years) and yet I have always had them in my mind and we always come back to each other. I don't have sisters, so these two would be the closest I get to ever finding out what sisters might feel like. Pink Lady's children are like my own especially Princess. What I treasure the most is that we never feel the need to sugar coat our words as we felt that the truth is more valuable than trying to protect each other. Only those that really care for you are willing to face the storm when confronted with truth. I guess this is especially true for me because it is in my nature that I am often blunt and sarcastic (so like House). But that also means my friends are able to tell me truths that I need to hear (especially those that you really don't want to hear). I hope that our friendship will remain true forever. Monster and Pink Lady...lots of love and hugs!!!

Empty Hearts

Renaksi & Eseret...my fantasy.

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde - author, conversationalist, poet, critic and gay. He is eccentric and flamboyant, often at odds with the pompous society that surrounded him. Many a things were said about his extravagant and unconventional behaviour but to ignore his masterpiece is a fallacy that appeals to a person (my TSK students would know this ;-)). Here are some of his wicked wit (taken from 'The wicked wit of Oscar Wilde"):

The bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.

De Profundis

I would not have about me shallow fools,

Who with mean scruples weigh the gold of life,

And faltering, paltering, end by failure.

The Duchess of Padua

We all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

(I of course don't agree to that but he just put is so eloquently that I had to put it in)

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Men become old, but they never become good.

A Woman of No Importance

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the two sexes.

The Ideal Husband

I hate vulgar realism in literature. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Ramadhan

It is time again for the holy month of Ramadhan...the time when a Muslim is obligated to fast as to purify his or her soul, refocus (if it wasn't focused before) his or her attention to Allah and sacrifice comforts in life to appreciate what you have and be grateful for it (to become aware of the plight of the poor and needy). The fulfillment of the required obligations (not just fasting but terawih, the reading of the Quran and so on) are rewarded 70 times more than usual reward (fasting is one of the 5 pillars of Islam).

The reason why the month of Ramadhan is so important is because it was the night that the holy book Al-Quran was sent down from the 7th level of Heaven to the 1st level from where it was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in piecemeal basis over a period of 23 years. Al-Quran is a record of the exact words revealed by God through the Angel Gabriel to the Prophet Muhammad. It was memorized by Muhammad and then dictated to his Companions, and written down by scribes, who cross-checked it during his lifetime. Not one word of its 114 chapters, Suras, has been changed over the centuries, so that the Quran is in every detail the unique and miraculous text which was revealed to Muhammad fourteen centuries ago. Al-Quran is also the prime source of every Muslim's faith and practice. It deals with all the subjects which concern us as human beings: wisdom, doctrine, worship, and law, but its basic theme is the relationship between God and His creatures. At the same time it provides guidelines for a just society, proper human conduct and an equitable economic system. But Muslims need to remember to not just read to Al-Quran but to also understand it.

2:185 - "Ramadhan is the (month) in which was sent down the Qur'an, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (Between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (Should be made up) by days later. Allah intends every facility for you; He does not want to put to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful."

Writing this entry was also a reminder to me to do the necessary for this holy month. The information above was directly taken from http://www.islamicity.com as I did not want to paraphrase and get it wrong.

Selamat Berpuasa to all my Muslim friends and for those friends who are not, enjoy the food galore at the bazaars.

Lame...

Previous posts - indication of what boredom can do to a person...came back from Miami Vice (lame movie)...couldn't sleep...surfed the net...answered stupid blog quizzes...and ta-da...silly entries.

How logical am I?

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logicWhile you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn goodKeep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howlogicalareyouquiz/">How Logical Are You?

How evil am I?

You Are 42% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/">How Evil Are You?

How normal am I?

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...Other things you do are downright strangeYou've got a little of your freak going onBut you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You?

What kind of blogger am I?

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofbloggerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Blogger Are You?

How am I in love?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howareyouinlovequiz/">How Are You In Love?

Sri Lankan dinner part 2

The Sri Lankan dinner was so delicious. And I, in the midst of all the excitement of an all female uni mate dinner, forgot to take pictures of the food and the people (which I planned in advance…sigh). So that leaves me only one choice...to describe the people and the food which would not be the same. Let me start with a brief description of the people involved in this wonderful dinner get together. Most important of course were the hosts, Shamara and her wonderful sister Kamuthu (chef extraordinaire). They are from Sri Lanka, and of course Shamara is an A star uni mate whereas Kamuthu is an expatriate (her husband is currently working in Malaysia). They live in Bangsar. Next would be Emmy, my partner in crime in uni, whose job is to keep me walking in a continuous straight line. Then there’s the ever classy Rose, who looked superb that night as usual. Emmy and I met her in one of the many elective classes that we took. Then there’s Amelia, Emmy and I met her for the first time that night. She is Shamara's and Rose’s classmate.

Why would I put this dinner event in my blog? Well let me put it this way, it is one of those rare nights where a group of women from various backgrounds (such as being married, with children, single, young and middle aged) all met up to enjoy a wonderful dinner and talk about everything under the sun. It was a nice night to just sit and enjoy each other’s company. Emmy and I arrived on time at about 6.30 pm. The rest got there close to 7 pm. We had drinks and talked for awhile (about uni matters no less). Then we started dinner around 7.30 pm. The food was great (as in I could do those ‘travel and living’ shows and describe the food as one of the best meal I had). Kamuthu served us chicken beriani where the chicken was soooo tender and the spices just nice, prawn curry where the prawn is not over cooked, grilled potatoes with sautéed onions, spices and dried fish, and lastly the cubed salad with fresh yogurt. I mean some people might say “So what? We have beriani here in Malaysia. What’s so great about what you had?” True I suppose but what made this worth mentioning is because it was done to perfection. All the flavors just came together to create this unforgettable taste that blew us or me away. After seconds (couldn’t help myself – not disciplined enough), it was dessert…orange soufflé without the crème. Now here I was thinking without the crème the soufflé wouldn’t be so nice…was I so wrong. The orange soufflé was so tangy and sweet that a spoonful in your mouth was like a burst of 10 oranges. I mean I am seriously not exaggerating, Emmy, who does not have the required taste bud for sweet things, said that it was delicious. I was also appreciative that they remembered that some of us don’t take alcohol because the soufflé should have had some Grand Marnier in it. But even without the Grand Marnier it was soooooo delicious. Personal friends would know that I need to get on a diet and exercise but that night I couldn’t care less about getting thinner as I also had a second serving of the soufflé.

All in all it was an unforgettable night. Emmy and I plan to take Shamara out to dinner as a token of appreciation for cooking a splendid meal. It has to be soon as Shamara will leave for Sri Lanka soon. Hmmmm…a trip to Sri Lanka might be interesting… ;-).

Sri Lankan dinner

I will be having dinner with Emmy at Shamara's place in Bangsar tonight. She will cook an authentic Sri Lankan meal (I bet it will be spicy...I will soooo sweat)...Can't wait to see her and hang out with Emmy...It's been awhile... ;-)

Change

You want to change something so badly to suit your needs but in the end you realize that you can't...because you can't be selfish and impose your ideas on people who don't want it or need it. Sucks...

Major events...

Since my last entry, I have faced life changing events in my life which has completely changed the normalcy that I am used to. Ever since my mother passed on, life has been different, filled with new experiences and challenges. The first event was of course my 30th birthday. Who would of thought that a particular day that changes the number of your age from being in your twenties to your thirties to be such an emotional day. I was ecstatic of course...I mean who does not like birthdays...presents and wishes are one of the nicest things you can receive from people that you care about (Monster and Pinklady - thanks for a memorable night - let's grow old together)...this is especially sweet when you're a teacher and your students sang outloud in class, called all the way from New Zealand and Australia, presents that you know people took effort in giving (my Totoro tissue cover, Jen's purple creation etc)...it's a beautiful feeling. Yet there is a tinge of sadness because I can't share it with my late mother.

Since I am on the topic of my mother I shall proceed to talk about my next life altering event...my father's pending marriage. Today was the 'merisik' and engagement of my future stepmother to my father. Who would've thought that I'd be putting the ring on the finger of a lady that will replace the place of my mother in our lives. Don't get me wrong...my siblings and I are supportive towards my father's second marriage...he needs companionship...we just feel that it really closes the chapter of my mother's life (there's a sense of finality to it). I use the word 'we' because we are collectively in agreement about it. I have met my future stepmother whom I will address as Mama Intan and alhamdulillah she is a nice and friendly lady...my siblings and I hope that our relationship will continue to grow in a positive way. My father's wedding date will be on November 4th, 2006 almost a year and four months after my mother's death. I am truly blessed as my mother in her wisdom saw the need to clarify to me during the days of her illness of the possibility of my father remarrying after she passed on. She reminded me, "When mama is gone, my life chapter in this world is complete, I don't want you to mourn me but rather I would prefer you to pray for me. You and your brothers are not to create trouble if your father wants to remarry as it is his right and need to do so. Your father has been here for me through thick and thin, he will need support once I am gone and later on he will need companionship that you will not be able to provide. Support him and be there for him as he has been there for you and your brothers." Those few simple words kept my head sane during the process of my father finding a new wife and it also provided a sense of peace as she had given us the green light (I did not want to feel as if I betrayed her in some way so her words absolved me from the guilt).

I also have to give credit to my father who has never kept anything from me or my siblings. In whatever decisions he made he always discussed it with us. So we never felt left out or hurt. I will always be thankful to God for giving me my parents. I hope my mother's soul is blessed by Allah and I hope that my father's second marriage is also blessed by Allah as our happiness is dependent on His blessings. Now I am hoping that my life will also be blessed...soon...;-)! Till next time...adios!

Understanding why...

Took from a blog I came across...

If you have the time...

Here's a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your browser.http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=060810041239-684237&

Curve ball...

I hate it when life throws me a curve ball that I can't handle...It just swings by at such high speed that when it hits me...wham! I am done for...sigh [I need to be emotionless for awhile].

For a friend...

A Time To Talk
by Robert Frost

When a friend calls to me from the road

And slows his horse to a meaning walk,

I don't stand still and look around

On all the hills I haven't hoed,

And shout from where I am, What is it?

No, not as there is a time to talk.

I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,

Blade-end up and five feet tall,

And plod: I go up to the stone wall

For a friendly visit.

Serial A...

This blog entry is in honour of Emmy (as in the Emmy awards) my colleague and also uni mate. As I have described J before, I shall now proceed to describe Emmy (it's only fair as I might be accused of being biased). Is her blog entry just to offset J's entry? At first yes but then I realized how integral she was to my sanity during uni time. Before I get to that, let me first describe Emmy. She's petite (not positive thing for me), fair (extremely - her thighs usually blind me - before you think lesbian - she wears skirts so I can see them - sigh - everything needs clarification) and cute (she wears glasses, purple butterfly - kinda nerdy - but it works for her - sexy smart). She is extremely smart (effortlessly and annoyingly so) and yet willing to share information thus humble in demeanor. What does all this have to do with my sanity (which by the way I probably drove her nuts with my constant rambling through out the 15 minute drive)?

Studying and working at the same time is a crazy (to me). It did not help that I was never the studious type. I constantly procrastinate (until today) and other negative stuff that a student should not do (I constantly remind my students). But going to uni with Emmy kept it all together. During registration, I looked at her and she looked at me and we both said "Eh...you're doing your masters?" (or something along that line) so thus the start of a wonderful friendship. After class we'd usually go to Murni with Shirley and enjoy 'loh see something' (I obviously have no idea how to spell that - mee tikus and Shirley forever tom yam). It was mentally and physically exhausting but worth the effort. Well Emmy, I enjoyed your company and may the friendship continues. Lots of hugs and smiles.

Description of a serial grinner...

This is a description of a serial grinner. This person does not realize (or pretends not to realize) the impact that his grin has on others. Let's call him J. First let me describe J's physical self. He's bloody tall (6'3" so that's one mark against him as I am completely envious of tall people), dark and unfortunately handsome (not necessarily a compliment). Next, I shall move on to his character. He is a religious Christian (talk to him no more than 2 minutes will give a clear picture) and nerdy which relates back to the physical description as he wears glasses. He's also nerdy in character (not necessarily a negative statement). He spouts information that is usually deemed useless for everyday life (J will obviously disagree with this statement). He teaches biology (see the subject matter - nerd). He keeps two separate blogs (one blog only a selected few can view - I am not included in the selected few - the other blog is a bio blog - NERD). Why would I put him in my blog entry? I shall answer this as clearly as I can...he is an entertainment source for me. How so? Well in the education industry, there are not many male species (the existing ones are usually married or gay - no joke). So when J entered, he became the center of attention. He was constantly mobbed by women (married or single - myself and a few friends are not part of this group). So what do I mean by being mobbed? Well they vie for his attention by smiling, flirting, giggling, hair flicking and so on. But I guess it's a good thing that he's not the 'buaya' type coz that would have made him annoying. Instead he keeps his cool and try to be as neutral as he can (which is difficult to do with the constant teasing). But that doesn't make him less entertaining. So thank you J, for making life slightly more interesting that the usual boring stuff here.

For my darling students (especially Nicky boy and Ali - who I know will be reading this), don't take this entry and twists it to your own weird understanding. Read it as it is!

Feeling blue...

Proud of my Broken Heart

by Emily Dickinson

Proud of my broken heart, since thou didst break it.
Proud of the pain, I did not feel till thee.
Proud of my night, since thou, with moons, dos't shake it.
Not to partake thy passion, -my humility

Grammar

Qualification: B. Ed. TESL, M. ESL (currently pursuing)
Occupation: English Teacher

So technically, I am not to make any mistakes in my usage of the English language. Now...is this true? No. Why? Well for one thing I am human. Humans make mistakes. But rest assured that I don't make atrocious mistakes that shame the people in my field of occupation. Careless? Yeah...even though I always tell my students to double check all their written work. I have one particular student who picks up these mistakes that I have done (twice to be exact). I do wish to extend my gratitude (I swear this is from my heart - not sarcasm) to Nicky boy for doing so as it keeps me on my toes so that I can strive to be the best that I can in my role as an educator.

"ein Herz und eine Seele sein"

Disaster area...

I am quite the messy person in terms on organizing my work area...I distinctively remembered the Japanese method that Azad used to arranged his table...boring to me but I guess it works for some people...But the thing is, I can find all the necessary items on my table provided that nobody has touched anything...major rule...we are working towards a paperless society but in this case I don't think it's possible...huahahaha...

Cool website

My 'cool' nerd colleague showed me this really cool website. Go check it out even if you are not a science person. It is unbelievable...interactive. I urge you to go check it out. http://health.discovery.com/tools/blausen/blausen.html

Mom - Part 2

I haven't blogged in a long time...been busy...but I guess now is a good time to do a part 2 of mom. Time passes by quickly and the cliche saying that 'time heals' is really true. This 27th July 2006 would be the 1st anniversary of my mother's passing. Can it really be one year? When I look back into my memory box, I only remember the good things without the grief and sorrow...slightly whimsical but no longer the profound sorrow that I use to feel. Do I miss her? Hell yeah...I'll always miss her, I can still even smell her. Weird but true. My father is in the process of finding a new wife with the children's blessing. My late mother was a person with wisdom. Before she passed on, she reminded myself and my brothers that once she is gone her part in my dad's life will be over. So when my father wants to start a new chapter, we are not to create problems or protest. I also give credit to my father for always be upfront and not keep secrets from us. So we are pretty open about his 'project'. All that we ask for is that she be a woman with good religious background, be able to take care of my father well and accepts us as her own. We on our part will try our best to embrace her into our fold. Does it feel weird that when I hold a conversation with my father and he talks about another woman? Yeah it is. But it is also inevitable. What will happen? Only God knows and only He will bless us thus only our prayers can help.

Happy happy joy joy...

My exams are finally over...sigh...well whether I did well or not I'll have to wait and see...sigh... I want to go and enjoy but I have a 500,000 words dissertation to complete in two semesters... Can I do it?!?!?! I have to...writing 5000 words is already a struggle...I have got a mammoth task in front of me... But before that I need a vacation... A good long break at some nice untouched beach surrounded by nature... I was thinking along the line of Fiji Islands or Maldives... Well I can dream right... This year I am planning a trip to Mount Kinabalu... And yes I plan to climb it (stop laughing...I am currently training myself...so how well I complete my training will be the decisive factor of whether or not I go). I want to make it to the top and see the beautiful view... Well lets hope my plan works out...if not I shall have to postpone it to early next year.

Bursting head...

Exams are coming...and one subject is bound to kill me...Critical Discourse Analysis...sigh...a very interesting subject to learn but way too complicated...sigh...3 hours of exam...sheesshh...but glad that classes are over...now I have two semesters to do my dissertation...sigh...that's another headache...but I have the utmost respect for women who are pursuing their masters and at the same time managing a husband, children etc. Amazing how they do it...I usually stop whining when I reflect and look at other people's situations.

Afterglow...

Love this song....

Afterglow by INXS
Album: Switch (2005)
Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

Falling in love...

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you do not know? Can you fall in love with an idea of a person? I am too old to be going through this (I can actually visualize my friends shaking their heads). I should be settled down with one person and maybe a few kids of my own but no instead I have this 'heart beats faster, face turning red, clumsiness' kind of crush on a guy that has no idea that I exist. I honestly do not want to go through this but I can not help it and it is annoying. Of course I have told some close friends and I am sure they think it is silly (but never to my face - they are too kind). Many have advised for me to tell him how I feel. But how can I do that. Here are my reasons, ranked by importance:

I. He has a girlfriend (that should me from continuing my entry but I need to let out some of my feelings)
ii. I have no idea why I am so interested (some would use the word desperate but I am going to avoid it)
iii. No self confidence, no guts and cannot face rejection (which I am sure that will be the outcome of it)
iv. Too busy (but not too busy - I can still think about him)
vi. And a multitude of other silly reasons

This used to be the fun part of having a crush on someone (way back during my younger days). Now it is just plain embarrassing and disgusting. My reaction to my crush is the opposite of what someone would do if he or she likes that person. Whenever I have to face him, I tend to react as if he is not there. I put on a stuck up face. I have a good reason why I react this way. Whenever I am near a person that I like I tend to blush (a dead give away) and I have this great fear that I might giggle like a silly woman. I position myself as a very unfeminine female. So I try to avoid anything that would put me in the position of being a 'gedik' person. When I say that to some people this how most of them react: "La...no wonder you are not married...you must put yourself out there then only can find" and I usually just keep quiet because it is probably true. But this is how I am.

I have loved only two men in my life: one could decipher my actions and acted upon it (thank God for that) and the other I had to wait for ages for him to come around. I have this policy that I will never be the first to express my feelings (but I broke this rule once...silly me). Obviously this crush is not love...I mean how can you love someone you do not know. That is just silly but I am annoyed with myself because he is in my head at all times. Sigh...I really hate this...way too old for this... *&%#$@*&?!?

Dreams...

This song by Gabrielle is my all time favourite, it brings back beautiful memories!!!

Dreams

Move a step closer you know that I want you
I can tell by your eyes that you want me too
Just a question of time I knew we'd be together
And that you'd be mine I want you here forever

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
I can't deny my feelings 'cause I know they are true

Dreams can come true
Look at me babe I'm with you
You know you gotta have hope
You know you gotta be strong

I've seen you sometimes on your own and in crowds
I knew I had to have you my hopes didn't let me down
Now you're by my side and I feel so good
I've nothing to hide don't feel that I ever could

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
Can't deny my feelings because they are true

I'm not making plans for tomorrow let's live for tonight
I know I want you baby so hold me tight
Put your arms around me you make me feel so safe
Then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay



...If all goes as planned...I shall see 'Casanova' tonight and I am hoping Heath is convincing enough as I need to get rid of his convincing 'Brokeback' character...

Hope...kikikiki...

Most people that know me are aware of my weight battles. I have unsuccessfully tried every diet stuff there is out there in the market except for the real solution that is exercise...I am just plain lazy. I have even experience being told by a few guys that they enjoy my company, like my mind and if I lost weight they would have definitely wanted to either date me or marry me. How insulting is that?!?!?! Sigh...but that's the reality of it but at the same time there are fat people out there who's happily married...so I guess I am not one of those either. I usually don't feel depressed about this but stupid Valentine's Day created a different atmosphere. All the balloons, flowers, chocolates and romantic dinners...made me feel ucky...and I don't even celebrate Valentine's. But today a fatty friend sent me an email asking me to go to this one particular website to check out some pictures. So I did...lo and behold...a picture to brighten up my day...silly some might think but hey it works for me!!! A loving husband and wife...Freddy Rodriguez and Elsie.

Disturbed

Brokeback Mountain

I knew of course that this movie touched on the issue of homosexuality. Clarification on my position on this issue: I have gay and lesbian friends, I accept their choices as individuals but I do not condone it as I believe it to be a sin, there are no grey areas in this matter only black and white. So here was my expectation: I have always enjoyed Ang Lee's movies like 'Eat Drink Man Woman', 'The Wedding Banquet' and so on. The reason why I have enjoyed his movies were because of his focus on the minute details that made his movie realistic and believable. So I was curious as to how he wanted to approach a movie about two gay cowboys. I mean cowboys people- Marlboro man stereotype - macho, tan, horseback riding, nice fitting jeans and all the delicious details that embodies a stereotypical MAN. I also wanted to see two good looking actors who I admire for their acting skills and looks (shallow but whatever) - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. So I was thinking, two heterosexual men are going to show case their acting skills and at the same time provide me with some eye candy. So I bought the DVD and took it to a friend's apartment as I felt that I should watch it with a friend which was a wise decision as I cannot begin to describe how disturbed I felt when the movie was over. My friend's neighbours were probably thinking that these two ladies were probably watching a horror movie with all the screaming and yelling. Typically, a gay movie revolves around two guys whereby one of them is sort of feminine (broken wrist) and there tend to be a humorous element inserted. But this movie did none of those as the depth of emotions that these two men brought forth was too much for me and my friend to handle. The tenderness that they express focusing on minute details like a touch, an expression of sorrow, a look of love, a gentle kiss were too real and that made it so scary. If I were to make a comparison to 'My Own Private Idaho' (Nor would know this), 'Brokeback Mountain' is so much more that I cannot find the words. If I, a woman, watched this and felt uncomfortable, I cannot imagine a man watching. The passion that these two actors showed was so real that I actually believed that they were so deeply in love with each other and this feeling of love grew deeper within the span of 20 years. Unbelievable. I strongly believe that this movie should not be watched by our youths. The implication of it is so huge that it might create a new generation that is willing to take the forbidden step to go against religion, society and nature all for the sake of LOVE. Some might not agree with me well everyone has an opinion and this is mine.

Cradle Snatcher

I finally found someone interesting enough to actually initiate some sort of communication when suddenly I googled him and found out something that was too scary to even consider. I looked at his birthdate and guess what...it's June 26, 1981!!!!!! That's like 5 freaking years!!! I was 5 years old when his mother gave birth to him!!!! I finished Form 5 and he just entered Form 1!!!! I was so disappointed...he was nice to look at and there's something about his character that really peaked my interest. I wish I was the type that could coolly accept an age gap that huge but unfortunately I can't. I guess if I looked 23 instead of 30 which I will be this year then I don't mind so much. Colleagues keep telling me that Demi and Ashton is a good example which I will roll my eyes to that statement...I mean duhh!!! I need to look something like Demi to make that work out. And how bout maturity...we all agree that the male species tend to mature at a slower rate than the female species...so I am back at the drawing board and probably put a curtain over it and let it rest awhile...I am tired...Selamat Hari Raya Qurban to all.