Thursday, March 23, 2006

Falling in love...

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you do not know? Can you fall in love with an idea of a person? I am too old to be going through this (I can actually visualize my friends shaking their heads). I should be settled down with one person and maybe a few kids of my own but no instead I have this 'heart beats faster, face turning red, clumsiness' kind of crush on a guy that has no idea that I exist. I honestly do not want to go through this but I can not help it and it is annoying. Of course I have told some close friends and I am sure they think it is silly (but never to my face - they are too kind). Many have advised for me to tell him how I feel. But how can I do that. Here are my reasons, ranked by importance:

I. He has a girlfriend (that should me from continuing my entry but I need to let out some of my feelings)
ii. I have no idea why I am so interested (some would use the word desperate but I am going to avoid it)
iii. No self confidence, no guts and cannot face rejection (which I am sure that will be the outcome of it)
iv. Too busy (but not too busy - I can still think about him)
vi. And a multitude of other silly reasons

This used to be the fun part of having a crush on someone (way back during my younger days). Now it is just plain embarrassing and disgusting. My reaction to my crush is the opposite of what someone would do if he or she likes that person. Whenever I have to face him, I tend to react as if he is not there. I put on a stuck up face. I have a good reason why I react this way. Whenever I am near a person that I like I tend to blush (a dead give away) and I have this great fear that I might giggle like a silly woman. I position myself as a very unfeminine female. So I try to avoid anything that would put me in the position of being a 'gedik' person. When I say that to some people this how most of them react: "La...no wonder you are not married...you must put yourself out there then only can find" and I usually just keep quiet because it is probably true. But this is how I am.

I have loved only two men in my life: one could decipher my actions and acted upon it (thank God for that) and the other I had to wait for ages for him to come around. I have this policy that I will never be the first to express my feelings (but I broke this rule once...silly me). Obviously this crush is not love...I mean how can you love someone you do not know. That is just silly but I am annoyed with myself because he is in my head at all times. Sigh...I really hate this...way too old for this... *&%#$@*&?!?

11 comments:

syachou said...

aha..love is in the air...

Anonymous said...

Give it time.I am sure you will eventually find the man of your dreams.People must be blind..you are such a wonderful person.There should be a line of men waiting for you...

Leena said...

Well thank you anonymous...that's sweet of you to say but unfortunately there is no line not even a teensy weensy one...

azad said...

It's like reading Bridget Jones' diary. [jangan marah ye].

Why don't you send a secret admirer note. ;) Okay, okay. I know I'm pushing it.

Leena said...

helloo...leave a note...that is so high school...

Anonymous said...

kak leena... i'm so proud of you..
-ali,nz-

LeenaSanzo said...

You are always proud of me for the wrong reasons Ali...sheesshh...

princess said...

oooh!!! who is the lucky guy?!?! hint to him, send him signals/vibes/whatever they call it now and see how he reacts. maybe u're not 'bertepuk-ing sebelah tangan' as u seem to believe.

Leena said...

this was so way back then...it is no longer applicable to my life now...

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