Thursday, November 24, 2005

Procreation 2

All the buns are out of the warm ovens...

May Allah bless the births of these three wonderful babies (all scorpios hmmm....) -

1. Iman Nur Laila Zulfiqar
2. Aneesa Farzana Wan Azrizul Azad
3. Myftzal Dzaeffran Qayyum Mafeitzeral

If Myftzal's sire teaches him all that he knows regarding the matters of the heart then Laila and Aneesa will have to fight for his affection...hehehe...then the parents will have a jolly good time managing that. Can't wait to see that. Insyaallah.

Well now friends have started on the number two and three children and I have yet to find a partner to procreate with...hmmm...shall 2006 be the year? I guess I have to wait and see.


Cherish This Time
So your baby is here!
What joy and what pleasure!
Now your life is expanding,
To make room for this treasure.
A darling newcomer
To have and to hold--
Her (His) smiles are more precious
Than silver or gold.
She’ll (He’ll) demolish your schedule
Though she’s helpless and small;
She’ll make her needs known,
And she’ll rule over all.
See, a new parent’s work
Is just never quite done,
But you’ll never mind,
‘Cause it’s all so much fun.
When you hear her cute giggle
You’ll start "aahing" and "oohing,"
And she’ll soon reply back
By "ga ga" and "goo gooing."
Those big innocent eyes
See a world strange and new;
To make sense of it all
She’ll look only to you.
So cherish this time
Of miraculous things--
The excitement and wonder
That a new baby brings.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Mom - Part 1

The word 'mom' and all its other forms invokes a multitude of emotions in me. The sensitivity I feel every time I think of my mother is so acute that it is not the tears that come out but just profound sadness that makes my heart feel heavy and desolate. As a Muslim, I accept and embrace death as part of a cycle of life that is not the end journey but it does not change the fact that I miss her smile, her laughter, the smell of her perfume when I kiss her. Basically I miss her like hell. Until today whenever I enter the front door, I will unconsciously try to hear her voice welcoming me home, I fear that I will forget the sound of her voice calling my name. I am a selfish person. When she was alive, I often wished that her fight against cancer would be a long and victorious battle. It never once crossed my mind how she felt, the suffering she had to go through when she had to swallow all those pills, the pain of fluid extraction procedure, the horrible chemo, the multitude of tests and her inability to breathe properly that took a toll on her strength. I never once thought of that. I just wanted her to live. I just wanted her to be by my side forever. Selfish? Most definitely. There were some days that tire me when I had to go back and forth from work to the hospital and then to my classes and the cycle repeats again. But that was okay. I could still see her. I could touch her. I could kiss her. I could hug her with all my might. Never once I thought that death would release her from all the discomfort that she felt.

The night of her death is seared in my mind like a hot poker to flesh. We all knew the time was coming but it did not make it any easier. I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, I stared at her and listened to her breathing. I finished the Yassin and I was counting how many times she inhaled and exhaled. My father was on the other side whispering the two kalimah syahadah in her ears. All my brothers were around her bed touching her as if that will tell her to hold on and not leave us. Alas that was not a choice to be made by us as the sakaratul maut took my mother during my fifth count of her inhalation. Through the blur of tears and sobs I heard my father say 'innalillah...'. The finality of that moment is indescribable. I felt breathless, my heart felt like it was squeezed so tightly that I thought it would burst. I kept on kissing her as I knew in a few hours I would never be able to kiss her again. In death her expression was peaceful as she no longer had to struggle for air.

From time to time I will need to write about my mother as this is a way for me to release my feelings. One therapeutic way of healing other than religion.

I love you Mommy, always and forever.

Thursday, July 14, 2005


This week was my first week of classes...hell I was so excited that I felt like I was a school kid again...I actually went to a bookstore and got myself a whole bunch of new writing materials, folders and other stuff that I don't really need but what the heck...but at the same time I do realize the incoming projectiles of assignments, tutorials, test and yadayadayada...taking 3 classes on a part time basis is risky but hey I've got 3 weeks to add/drop stuff...but if married people with kid(s) can do it why not me...I do worry if I can't be around when my mom needs me but I shall deal with it when the time comes...But the funny thing is when I was walking around the faculty, I was surrounded by young freshies and this brought back great memories of my own university life (minus the failure ;-0)...of course during that time there were no other worries other than to study (and of course getting your crush to ask you out)'s good to be back but I do have to say this....THE FREAKING PASSING MARK IS 64%...anything lower forget to people like me (never aimed for all A's - I usually go through the alphabet) that's tough...sigh...well wish me luck.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


The thing about photographs....they can be's all about the right angles... ;-)
moi Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Partners and Marriage

Somebody forwarded this to me and I thought that it is something so profoundly true that I wanted to share it:

By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


It's been a long time since I despite the hectic schedule today, I managed to scan some blogs and what a wonderful surprise...three pregnancies this year (cerita basi but hey better late than never) I would like to extend my congratulations to Haniza, Mafietz, Yanti, Azad, Sue and Fiqar for the rezeki God has bestowed them. For Haniza, you are always in my prayers and may God give you strength to face the challenges He gives you. Trials and tribulations are part of the purification process that prepares you for the afterlife. So be strong dear friend eventhough I know it sounds so cliche. Well back to work now for me...I love my work but at times I feel like I need to thrash a student...sigh.

Friday, February 25, 2005

The Gender of my Brain

I finally figured out why I am not yet married. My brain is half female half male or to be exact: 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male...fewwgghhh...thank God the percentage for female is higher. What does this actually mean...well according to the explanation given it's good: my brain is a healthy mix of male and female and I am both sensitive and savvy; rational and reasonable. I also tend to keep a level head (the irony). But I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. By the way Dil if you are reading this I am 80% Leo. I am a sucker for all these online testing thingamajig. I was curious enough to find out what gender my brain is and lo and behold my brain is both. And I also found out that the country I belong to is UK...blarney...not what I want...thinking more along the line of Fiji Islands. Another thing is I don't belong in the year 2005 but I actually belong to the year 1966...what an old soul I am. Last but not least the meaning of my name:

N is for Normal
U is for Unreal
R is for Remarkable
L is for Logical
E is for Excellent
E is for Enchanting
N is for Nice
A is for Abstract

So I am normal but unreal; all the other good stuff but also an abstract...hmmm...weird. Well if some of you have all the time in the world to go check out these quizzes...go try...kinda fun...silly but fun. Ciao...;-)


Nowadays when I read the newspaper I actually look for gory stories that deal with murder. It becomes so common that I am actually disappointed when there are no horrible stories to read. Now you may think that I am some kind of sick person who enjoys reading these stories. Well I don't enjoy them. But the weird thing is that it becomes a part of my reading material as Malaysia is so full of these horrible murders - stabbing, raping, sodomizing, burning, strangling, slashing, beating- these are just some of the words that describe these terrible crimes. What is happening to our country? I use to be able to cycle any where I want to in TTDI even at night. Now forget it. Who should be blamed? Western influences? Please that's a road taken and let's not blame others for our mistakes. So what has caused our society to deteriorate so badly?

Thursday, February 03, 2005


A friend of mine gave me this nice piece of writing and I would like to share it with everyone...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

This came to me at the right I was contemplating the number that is associated with age I was feeling a bit usual...but this piece of work really cheered me up...I love life, my life with all the ups and downs...;-)!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Gentle Giant

My first entry for the year 2005. Yesterday, Nor and I went to visit Dil and Eza to see his beautiful baby daughter, Soffyya. A gorgeous baby with thick hair and twinkling eyes. It was a really touching moment to see Dil gently picking up his daughter...thus the term gentle giant!!! But again I forgot my camera so I was unable to capture the sweet moment. I do pity the daughter though...she will have a hard time learning to spell her's not enough that her name has many letters but her papa's name is also complicated...atleast she doesn't have to spell her mama's name too often, to sweet Imanee Soffyya Ibdilillah, welcome to the circle of life in Taman Tun.