For a friend...

A Time To Talk
by Robert Frost

When a friend calls to me from the road

And slows his horse to a meaning walk,

I don't stand still and look around

On all the hills I haven't hoed,

And shout from where I am, What is it?

No, not as there is a time to talk.

I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,

Blade-end up and five feet tall,

And plod: I go up to the stone wall

For a friendly visit.

Serial A...

This blog entry is in honour of Emmy (as in the Emmy awards) my colleague and also uni mate. As I have described J before, I shall now proceed to describe Emmy (it's only fair as I might be accused of being biased). Is her blog entry just to offset J's entry? At first yes but then I realized how integral she was to my sanity during uni time. Before I get to that, let me first describe Emmy. She's petite (not positive thing for me), fair (extremely - her thighs usually blind me - before you think lesbian - she wears skirts so I can see them - sigh - everything needs clarification) and cute (she wears glasses, purple butterfly - kinda nerdy - but it works for her - sexy smart). She is extremely smart (effortlessly and annoyingly so) and yet willing to share information thus humble in demeanor. What does all this have to do with my sanity (which by the way I probably drove her nuts with my constant rambling through out the 15 minute drive)?

Studying and working at the same time is a crazy (to me). It did not help that I was never the studious type. I constantly procrastinate (until today) and other negative stuff that a student should not do (I constantly remind my students). But going to uni with Emmy kept it all together. During registration, I looked at her and she looked at me and we both said "Eh...you're doing your masters?" (or something along that line) so thus the start of a wonderful friendship. After class we'd usually go to Murni with Shirley and enjoy 'loh see something' (I obviously have no idea how to spell that - mee tikus and Shirley forever tom yam). It was mentally and physically exhausting but worth the effort. Well Emmy, I enjoyed your company and may the friendship continues. Lots of hugs and smiles.

Description of a serial grinner...

This is a description of a serial grinner. This person does not realize (or pretends not to realize) the impact that his grin has on others. Let's call him J. First let me describe J's physical self. He's bloody tall (6'3" so that's one mark against him as I am completely envious of tall people), dark and unfortunately handsome (not necessarily a compliment). Next, I shall move on to his character. He is a religious Christian (talk to him no more than 2 minutes will give a clear picture) and nerdy which relates back to the physical description as he wears glasses. He's also nerdy in character (not necessarily a negative statement). He spouts information that is usually deemed useless for everyday life (J will obviously disagree with this statement). He teaches biology (see the subject matter - nerd). He keeps two separate blogs (one blog only a selected few can view - I am not included in the selected few - the other blog is a bio blog - NERD). Why would I put him in my blog entry? I shall answer this as clearly as I can...he is an entertainment source for me. How so? Well in the education industry, there are not many male species (the existing ones are usually married or gay - no joke). So when J entered, he became the center of attention. He was constantly mobbed by women (married or single - myself and a few friends are not part of this group). So what do I mean by being mobbed? Well they vie for his attention by smiling, flirting, giggling, hair flicking and so on. But I guess it's a good thing that he's not the 'buaya' type coz that would have made him annoying. Instead he keeps his cool and try to be as neutral as he can (which is difficult to do with the constant teasing). But that doesn't make him less entertaining. So thank you J, for making life slightly more interesting that the usual boring stuff here.

For my darling students (especially Nicky boy and Ali - who I know will be reading this), don't take this entry and twists it to your own weird understanding. Read it as it is!

Feeling blue...

Proud of my Broken Heart

by Emily Dickinson

Proud of my broken heart, since thou didst break it.
Proud of the pain, I did not feel till thee.
Proud of my night, since thou, with moons, dos't shake it.
Not to partake thy passion, -my humility

Grammar

Qualification: B. Ed. TESL, M. ESL (currently pursuing)
Occupation: English Teacher

So technically, I am not to make any mistakes in my usage of the English language. Now...is this true? No. Why? Well for one thing I am human. Humans make mistakes. But rest assured that I don't make atrocious mistakes that shame the people in my field of occupation. Careless? Yeah...even though I always tell my students to double check all their written work. I have one particular student who picks up these mistakes that I have done (twice to be exact). I do wish to extend my gratitude (I swear this is from my heart - not sarcasm) to Nicky boy for doing so as it keeps me on my toes so that I can strive to be the best that I can in my role as an educator.

"ein Herz und eine Seele sein"

Disaster area...

I am quite the messy person in terms on organizing my work area...I distinctively remembered the Japanese method that Azad used to arranged his table...boring to me but I guess it works for some people...But the thing is, I can find all the necessary items on my table provided that nobody has touched anything...major rule...we are working towards a paperless society but in this case I don't think it's possible...huahahaha...

Cool website

My 'cool' nerd colleague showed me this really cool website. Go check it out even if you are not a science person. It is unbelievable...interactive. I urge you to go check it out. http://health.discovery.com/tools/blausen/blausen.html

Mom - Part 2

I haven't blogged in a long time...been busy...but I guess now is a good time to do a part 2 of mom. Time passes by quickly and the cliche saying that 'time heals' is really true. This 27th July 2006 would be the 1st anniversary of my mother's passing. Can it really be one year? When I look back into my memory box, I only remember the good things without the grief and sorrow...slightly whimsical but no longer the profound sorrow that I use to feel. Do I miss her? Hell yeah...I'll always miss her, I can still even smell her. Weird but true. My father is in the process of finding a new wife with the children's blessing. My late mother was a person with wisdom. Before she passed on, she reminded myself and my brothers that once she is gone her part in my dad's life will be over. So when my father wants to start a new chapter, we are not to create problems or protest. I also give credit to my father for always be upfront and not keep secrets from us. So we are pretty open about his 'project'. All that we ask for is that she be a woman with good religious background, be able to take care of my father well and accepts us as her own. We on our part will try our best to embrace her into our fold. Does it feel weird that when I hold a conversation with my father and he talks about another woman? Yeah it is. But it is also inevitable. What will happen? Only God knows and only He will bless us thus only our prayers can help.

Happy happy joy joy...

My exams are finally over...sigh...well whether I did well or not I'll have to wait and see...sigh... I want to go and enjoy but I have a 500,000 words dissertation to complete in two semesters... Can I do it?!?!?! I have to...writing 5000 words is already a struggle...I have got a mammoth task in front of me... But before that I need a vacation... A good long break at some nice untouched beach surrounded by nature... I was thinking along the line of Fiji Islands or Maldives... Well I can dream right... This year I am planning a trip to Mount Kinabalu... And yes I plan to climb it (stop laughing...I am currently training myself...so how well I complete my training will be the decisive factor of whether or not I go). I want to make it to the top and see the beautiful view... Well lets hope my plan works out...if not I shall have to postpone it to early next year.

Bursting head...

Exams are coming...and one subject is bound to kill me...Critical Discourse Analysis...sigh...a very interesting subject to learn but way too complicated...sigh...3 hours of exam...sheesshh...but glad that classes are over...now I have two semesters to do my dissertation...sigh...that's another headache...but I have the utmost respect for women who are pursuing their masters and at the same time managing a husband, children etc. Amazing how they do it...I usually stop whining when I reflect and look at other people's situations.

Afterglow...

Love this song....

Afterglow by INXS
Album: Switch (2005)
Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

Falling in love...

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you do not know? Can you fall in love with an idea of a person? I am too old to be going through this (I can actually visualize my friends shaking their heads). I should be settled down with one person and maybe a few kids of my own but no instead I have this 'heart beats faster, face turning red, clumsiness' kind of crush on a guy that has no idea that I exist. I honestly do not want to go through this but I can not help it and it is annoying. Of course I have told some close friends and I am sure they think it is silly (but never to my face - they are too kind). Many have advised for me to tell him how I feel. But how can I do that. Here are my reasons, ranked by importance:

I. He has a girlfriend (that should me from continuing my entry but I need to let out some of my feelings)
ii. I have no idea why I am so interested (some would use the word desperate but I am going to avoid it)
iii. No self confidence, no guts and cannot face rejection (which I am sure that will be the outcome of it)
iv. Too busy (but not too busy - I can still think about him)
vi. And a multitude of other silly reasons

This used to be the fun part of having a crush on someone (way back during my younger days). Now it is just plain embarrassing and disgusting. My reaction to my crush is the opposite of what someone would do if he or she likes that person. Whenever I have to face him, I tend to react as if he is not there. I put on a stuck up face. I have a good reason why I react this way. Whenever I am near a person that I like I tend to blush (a dead give away) and I have this great fear that I might giggle like a silly woman. I position myself as a very unfeminine female. So I try to avoid anything that would put me in the position of being a 'gedik' person. When I say that to some people this how most of them react: "La...no wonder you are not married...you must put yourself out there then only can find" and I usually just keep quiet because it is probably true. But this is how I am.

I have loved only two men in my life: one could decipher my actions and acted upon it (thank God for that) and the other I had to wait for ages for him to come around. I have this policy that I will never be the first to express my feelings (but I broke this rule once...silly me). Obviously this crush is not love...I mean how can you love someone you do not know. That is just silly but I am annoyed with myself because he is in my head at all times. Sigh...I really hate this...way too old for this... *&%#$@*&?!?

Dreams...

This song by Gabrielle is my all time favourite, it brings back beautiful memories!!!

Dreams

Move a step closer you know that I want you
I can tell by your eyes that you want me too
Just a question of time I knew we'd be together
And that you'd be mine I want you here forever

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
I can't deny my feelings 'cause I know they are true

Dreams can come true
Look at me babe I'm with you
You know you gotta have hope
You know you gotta be strong

I've seen you sometimes on your own and in crowds
I knew I had to have you my hopes didn't let me down
Now you're by my side and I feel so good
I've nothing to hide don't feel that I ever could

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
Can't deny my feelings because they are true

I'm not making plans for tomorrow let's live for tonight
I know I want you baby so hold me tight
Put your arms around me you make me feel so safe
Then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay



...If all goes as planned...I shall see 'Casanova' tonight and I am hoping Heath is convincing enough as I need to get rid of his convincing 'Brokeback' character...

Hope...kikikiki...

Most people that know me are aware of my weight battles. I have unsuccessfully tried every diet stuff there is out there in the market except for the real solution that is exercise...I am just plain lazy. I have even experience being told by a few guys that they enjoy my company, like my mind and if I lost weight they would have definitely wanted to either date me or marry me. How insulting is that?!?!?! Sigh...but that's the reality of it but at the same time there are fat people out there who's happily married...so I guess I am not one of those either. I usually don't feel depressed about this but stupid Valentine's Day created a different atmosphere. All the balloons, flowers, chocolates and romantic dinners...made me feel ucky...and I don't even celebrate Valentine's. But today a fatty friend sent me an email asking me to go to this one particular website to check out some pictures. So I did...lo and behold...a picture to brighten up my day...silly some might think but hey it works for me!!! A loving husband and wife...Freddy Rodriguez and Elsie.

Disturbed

Brokeback Mountain

I knew of course that this movie touched on the issue of homosexuality. Clarification on my position on this issue: I have gay and lesbian friends, I accept their choices as individuals but I do not condone it as I believe it to be a sin, there are no grey areas in this matter only black and white. So here was my expectation: I have always enjoyed Ang Lee's movies like 'Eat Drink Man Woman', 'The Wedding Banquet' and so on. The reason why I have enjoyed his movies were because of his focus on the minute details that made his movie realistic and believable. So I was curious as to how he wanted to approach a movie about two gay cowboys. I mean cowboys people- Marlboro man stereotype - macho, tan, horseback riding, nice fitting jeans and all the delicious details that embodies a stereotypical MAN. I also wanted to see two good looking actors who I admire for their acting skills and looks (shallow but whatever) - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. So I was thinking, two heterosexual men are going to show case their acting skills and at the same time provide me with some eye candy. So I bought the DVD and took it to a friend's apartment as I felt that I should watch it with a friend which was a wise decision as I cannot begin to describe how disturbed I felt when the movie was over. My friend's neighbours were probably thinking that these two ladies were probably watching a horror movie with all the screaming and yelling. Typically, a gay movie revolves around two guys whereby one of them is sort of feminine (broken wrist) and there tend to be a humorous element inserted. But this movie did none of those as the depth of emotions that these two men brought forth was too much for me and my friend to handle. The tenderness that they express focusing on minute details like a touch, an expression of sorrow, a look of love, a gentle kiss were too real and that made it so scary. If I were to make a comparison to 'My Own Private Idaho' (Nor would know this), 'Brokeback Mountain' is so much more that I cannot find the words. If I, a woman, watched this and felt uncomfortable, I cannot imagine a man watching. The passion that these two actors showed was so real that I actually believed that they were so deeply in love with each other and this feeling of love grew deeper within the span of 20 years. Unbelievable. I strongly believe that this movie should not be watched by our youths. The implication of it is so huge that it might create a new generation that is willing to take the forbidden step to go against religion, society and nature all for the sake of LOVE. Some might not agree with me well everyone has an opinion and this is mine.

Cradle Snatcher

I finally found someone interesting enough to actually initiate some sort of communication when suddenly I googled him and found out something that was too scary to even consider. I looked at his birthdate and guess what...it's June 26, 1981!!!!!! That's like 5 freaking years!!! I was 5 years old when his mother gave birth to him!!!! I finished Form 5 and he just entered Form 1!!!! I was so disappointed...he was nice to look at and there's something about his character that really peaked my interest. I wish I was the type that could coolly accept an age gap that huge but unfortunately I can't. I guess if I looked 23 instead of 30 which I will be this year then I don't mind so much. Colleagues keep telling me that Demi and Ashton is a good example which I will roll my eyes to that statement...I mean duhh!!! I need to look something like Demi to make that work out. And how bout maturity...we all agree that the male species tend to mature at a slower rate than the female species...so I am back at the drawing board and probably put a curtain over it and let it rest awhile...I am tired...Selamat Hari Raya Qurban to all.

Procreation 2

All the buns are out of the warm ovens...

May Allah bless the births of these three wonderful babies (all scorpios hmmm....) -

1. Iman Nur Laila Zulfiqar
2. Aneesa Farzana Wan Azrizul Azad
3. Myftzal Dzaeffran Qayyum Mafeitzeral

If Myftzal's sire teaches him all that he knows regarding the matters of the heart then Laila and Aneesa will have to fight for his affection...hehehe...then the parents will have a jolly good time managing that. Can't wait to see that. Insyaallah.

Well now friends have started on the number two and three children and I have yet to find a partner to procreate with...hmmm...shall 2006 be the year? I guess I have to wait and see.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Cherish This Time

So your baby is here!

What joy and what pleasure!

Now your life is expanding,

To make room for this treasure.

A darling newcomer

To have and to hold--

Her (His) smiles are more precious

Than silver or gold.

She’ll (He’ll) demolish your schedule

Though she’s helpless and small;

She’ll make her needs known,

And she’ll rule over all.

See, a new parent’s work

Is just never quite done,

But you’ll never mind,

‘Cause it’s all so much fun.

When you hear her cute giggle

You’ll start "aahing" and "oohing,"

And she’ll soon reply back

By "ga ga" and "goo gooing."

Those big innocent eyes

See a world strange and new;

To make sense of it all

She’ll look only to you.

So cherish this time

Of miraculous things--

The excitement and wonder

That a new baby brings.

J.F.

Mom - Part 1

The word 'mom' and all its other forms invokes a multitude of emotions in me. The sensitivity I feel every time I think of my mother is so acute that it is not the tears that come out but just profound sadness that makes my heart feel heavy and desolate. As a Muslim, I accept and embrace death as part of a cycle of life that is not the end journey but it does not change the fact that I miss her smile, her laughter, the smell of her perfume when I kiss her. Basically I miss her like hell. Until today whenever I enter the front door, I will unconsciously try to hear her voice welcoming me home, I fear that I will forget the sound of her voice calling my name. I am a selfish person. When she was alive, I often wished that her fight against cancer would be a long and victorious battle. It never once crossed my mind how she felt, the suffering she had to go through when she had to swallow all those pills, the pain of fluid extraction procedure, the horrible chemo, the multitude of tests and her inability to breathe properly that took a toll on her strength. I never once thought of that. I just wanted her to live. I just wanted her to be by my side forever. Selfish? Most definitely. There were some days that tire me when I had to go back and forth from work to the hospital and then to my classes and the cycle repeats again. But that was okay. I could still see her. I could touch her. I could kiss her. I could hug her with all my might. Never once I thought that death would release her from all the discomfort that she felt.

The night of her death is seared in my mind like a hot poker to flesh. We all knew the time was coming but it did not make it any easier. I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, I stared at her and listened to her breathing. I finished the Yassin and I was counting how many times she inhaled and exhaled. My father was on the other side whispering the two kalimah syahadah in her ears. All my brothers were around her bed touching her as if that will tell her to hold on and not leave us. Alas that was not a choice to be made by us as the sakaratul maut took my mother during my fifth count of her inhalation. Through the blur of tears and sobs I heard my father say 'innalillah...'. The finality of that moment is indescribable. I felt breathless, my heart felt like it was squeezed so tightly that I thought it would burst. I kept on kissing her as I knew in a few hours I would never be able to kiss her again. In death her expression was peaceful as she no longer had to struggle for air.

From time to time I will need to write about my mother as this is a way for me to release my feelings. One therapeutic way of healing other than religion.

I love you Mommy, always and forever.

CHALLENGES

This week was my first week of classes...hell I was so excited that I felt like I was a school kid again...I actually went to a bookstore and got myself a whole bunch of new writing materials, folders and other stuff that I don't really need but what the heck...but at the same time I do realize the incoming projectiles of assignments, tutorials, test and yadayadayada...taking 3 classes on a part time basis is risky but hey I've got 3 weeks to add/drop stuff...but if married people with kid(s) can do it why not me...I do worry if I can't be around when my mom needs me but I shall deal with it when the time comes...But the funny thing is when I was walking around the faculty, I was surrounded by young freshies and this brought back great memories of my own university life (minus the failure ;-0)...of course during that time there were no other worries other than to study (and of course getting your crush to ask you out)...it's good to be back but I do have to say this....THE FREAKING PASSING MARK IS 64%...anything lower forget it...now to people like me (never aimed for all A's - I usually go through the alphabet) that's tough...sigh...well wish me luck.

Moi

The thing about photographs....they can be deceiving...it's all about the right angles... ;-)
moi