Happy happy joy joy...

My exams are finally over...sigh...well whether I did well or not I'll have to wait and see...sigh... I want to go and enjoy but I have a 500,000 words dissertation to complete in two semesters... Can I do it?!?!?! I have to...writing 5000 words is already a struggle...I have got a mammoth task in front of me... But before that I need a vacation... A good long break at some nice untouched beach surrounded by nature... I was thinking along the line of Fiji Islands or Maldives... Well I can dream right... This year I am planning a trip to Mount Kinabalu... And yes I plan to climb it (stop laughing...I am currently training myself...so how well I complete my training will be the decisive factor of whether or not I go). I want to make it to the top and see the beautiful view... Well lets hope my plan works out...if not I shall have to postpone it to early next year.

Bursting head...

Exams are coming...and one subject is bound to kill me...Critical Discourse Analysis...sigh...a very interesting subject to learn but way too complicated...sigh...3 hours of exam...sheesshh...but glad that classes are over...now I have two semesters to do my dissertation...sigh...that's another headache...but I have the utmost respect for women who are pursuing their masters and at the same time managing a husband, children etc. Amazing how they do it...I usually stop whining when I reflect and look at other people's situations.

Afterglow...

Love this song....

Afterglow by INXS
Album: Switch (2005)
Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

Falling in love...

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you do not know? Can you fall in love with an idea of a person? I am too old to be going through this (I can actually visualize my friends shaking their heads). I should be settled down with one person and maybe a few kids of my own but no instead I have this 'heart beats faster, face turning red, clumsiness' kind of crush on a guy that has no idea that I exist. I honestly do not want to go through this but I can not help it and it is annoying. Of course I have told some close friends and I am sure they think it is silly (but never to my face - they are too kind). Many have advised for me to tell him how I feel. But how can I do that. Here are my reasons, ranked by importance:

I. He has a girlfriend (that should me from continuing my entry but I need to let out some of my feelings)
ii. I have no idea why I am so interested (some would use the word desperate but I am going to avoid it)
iii. No self confidence, no guts and cannot face rejection (which I am sure that will be the outcome of it)
iv. Too busy (but not too busy - I can still think about him)
vi. And a multitude of other silly reasons

This used to be the fun part of having a crush on someone (way back during my younger days). Now it is just plain embarrassing and disgusting. My reaction to my crush is the opposite of what someone would do if he or she likes that person. Whenever I have to face him, I tend to react as if he is not there. I put on a stuck up face. I have a good reason why I react this way. Whenever I am near a person that I like I tend to blush (a dead give away) and I have this great fear that I might giggle like a silly woman. I position myself as a very unfeminine female. So I try to avoid anything that would put me in the position of being a 'gedik' person. When I say that to some people this how most of them react: "La...no wonder you are not married...you must put yourself out there then only can find" and I usually just keep quiet because it is probably true. But this is how I am.

I have loved only two men in my life: one could decipher my actions and acted upon it (thank God for that) and the other I had to wait for ages for him to come around. I have this policy that I will never be the first to express my feelings (but I broke this rule once...silly me). Obviously this crush is not love...I mean how can you love someone you do not know. That is just silly but I am annoyed with myself because he is in my head at all times. Sigh...I really hate this...way too old for this... *&%#$@*&?!?

Dreams...

This song by Gabrielle is my all time favourite, it brings back beautiful memories!!!

Dreams

Move a step closer you know that I want you
I can tell by your eyes that you want me too
Just a question of time I knew we'd be together
And that you'd be mine I want you here forever

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
I can't deny my feelings 'cause I know they are true

Dreams can come true
Look at me babe I'm with you
You know you gotta have hope
You know you gotta be strong

I've seen you sometimes on your own and in crowds
I knew I had to have you my hopes didn't let me down
Now you're by my side and I feel so good
I've nothing to hide don't feel that I ever could

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
Can't deny my feelings because they are true

I'm not making plans for tomorrow let's live for tonight
I know I want you baby so hold me tight
Put your arms around me you make me feel so safe
Then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay



...If all goes as planned...I shall see 'Casanova' tonight and I am hoping Heath is convincing enough as I need to get rid of his convincing 'Brokeback' character...

Hope...kikikiki...

Most people that know me are aware of my weight battles. I have unsuccessfully tried every diet stuff there is out there in the market except for the real solution that is exercise...I am just plain lazy. I have even experience being told by a few guys that they enjoy my company, like my mind and if I lost weight they would have definitely wanted to either date me or marry me. How insulting is that?!?!?! Sigh...but that's the reality of it but at the same time there are fat people out there who's happily married...so I guess I am not one of those either. I usually don't feel depressed about this but stupid Valentine's Day created a different atmosphere. All the balloons, flowers, chocolates and romantic dinners...made me feel ucky...and I don't even celebrate Valentine's. But today a fatty friend sent me an email asking me to go to this one particular website to check out some pictures. So I did...lo and behold...a picture to brighten up my day...silly some might think but hey it works for me!!! A loving husband and wife...Freddy Rodriguez and Elsie.

Disturbed

Brokeback Mountain

I knew of course that this movie touched on the issue of homosexuality. Clarification on my position on this issue: I have gay and lesbian friends, I accept their choices as individuals but I do not condone it as I believe it to be a sin, there are no grey areas in this matter only black and white. So here was my expectation: I have always enjoyed Ang Lee's movies like 'Eat Drink Man Woman', 'The Wedding Banquet' and so on. The reason why I have enjoyed his movies were because of his focus on the minute details that made his movie realistic and believable. So I was curious as to how he wanted to approach a movie about two gay cowboys. I mean cowboys people- Marlboro man stereotype - macho, tan, horseback riding, nice fitting jeans and all the delicious details that embodies a stereotypical MAN. I also wanted to see two good looking actors who I admire for their acting skills and looks (shallow but whatever) - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. So I was thinking, two heterosexual men are going to show case their acting skills and at the same time provide me with some eye candy. So I bought the DVD and took it to a friend's apartment as I felt that I should watch it with a friend which was a wise decision as I cannot begin to describe how disturbed I felt when the movie was over. My friend's neighbours were probably thinking that these two ladies were probably watching a horror movie with all the screaming and yelling. Typically, a gay movie revolves around two guys whereby one of them is sort of feminine (broken wrist) and there tend to be a humorous element inserted. But this movie did none of those as the depth of emotions that these two men brought forth was too much for me and my friend to handle. The tenderness that they express focusing on minute details like a touch, an expression of sorrow, a look of love, a gentle kiss were too real and that made it so scary. If I were to make a comparison to 'My Own Private Idaho' (Nor would know this), 'Brokeback Mountain' is so much more that I cannot find the words. If I, a woman, watched this and felt uncomfortable, I cannot imagine a man watching. The passion that these two actors showed was so real that I actually believed that they were so deeply in love with each other and this feeling of love grew deeper within the span of 20 years. Unbelievable. I strongly believe that this movie should not be watched by our youths. The implication of it is so huge that it might create a new generation that is willing to take the forbidden step to go against religion, society and nature all for the sake of LOVE. Some might not agree with me well everyone has an opinion and this is mine.

Cradle Snatcher

I finally found someone interesting enough to actually initiate some sort of communication when suddenly I googled him and found out something that was too scary to even consider. I looked at his birthdate and guess what...it's June 26, 1981!!!!!! That's like 5 freaking years!!! I was 5 years old when his mother gave birth to him!!!! I finished Form 5 and he just entered Form 1!!!! I was so disappointed...he was nice to look at and there's something about his character that really peaked my interest. I wish I was the type that could coolly accept an age gap that huge but unfortunately I can't. I guess if I looked 23 instead of 30 which I will be this year then I don't mind so much. Colleagues keep telling me that Demi and Ashton is a good example which I will roll my eyes to that statement...I mean duhh!!! I need to look something like Demi to make that work out. And how bout maturity...we all agree that the male species tend to mature at a slower rate than the female species...so I am back at the drawing board and probably put a curtain over it and let it rest awhile...I am tired...Selamat Hari Raya Qurban to all.

Procreation 2

All the buns are out of the warm ovens...

May Allah bless the births of these three wonderful babies (all scorpios hmmm....) -

1. Iman Nur Laila Zulfiqar
2. Aneesa Farzana Wan Azrizul Azad
3. Myftzal Dzaeffran Qayyum Mafeitzeral

If Myftzal's sire teaches him all that he knows regarding the matters of the heart then Laila and Aneesa will have to fight for his affection...hehehe...then the parents will have a jolly good time managing that. Can't wait to see that. Insyaallah.

Well now friends have started on the number two and three children and I have yet to find a partner to procreate with...hmmm...shall 2006 be the year? I guess I have to wait and see.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Cherish This Time

So your baby is here!

What joy and what pleasure!

Now your life is expanding,

To make room for this treasure.

A darling newcomer

To have and to hold--

Her (His) smiles are more precious

Than silver or gold.

She’ll (He’ll) demolish your schedule

Though she’s helpless and small;

She’ll make her needs known,

And she’ll rule over all.

See, a new parent’s work

Is just never quite done,

But you’ll never mind,

‘Cause it’s all so much fun.

When you hear her cute giggle

You’ll start "aahing" and "oohing,"

And she’ll soon reply back

By "ga ga" and "goo gooing."

Those big innocent eyes

See a world strange and new;

To make sense of it all

She’ll look only to you.

So cherish this time

Of miraculous things--

The excitement and wonder

That a new baby brings.

J.F.

Mom - Part 1

The word 'mom' and all its other forms invokes a multitude of emotions in me. The sensitivity I feel every time I think of my mother is so acute that it is not the tears that come out but just profound sadness that makes my heart feel heavy and desolate. As a Muslim, I accept and embrace death as part of a cycle of life that is not the end journey but it does not change the fact that I miss her smile, her laughter, the smell of her perfume when I kiss her. Basically I miss her like hell. Until today whenever I enter the front door, I will unconsciously try to hear her voice welcoming me home, I fear that I will forget the sound of her voice calling my name. I am a selfish person. When she was alive, I often wished that her fight against cancer would be a long and victorious battle. It never once crossed my mind how she felt, the suffering she had to go through when she had to swallow all those pills, the pain of fluid extraction procedure, the horrible chemo, the multitude of tests and her inability to breathe properly that took a toll on her strength. I never once thought of that. I just wanted her to live. I just wanted her to be by my side forever. Selfish? Most definitely. There were some days that tire me when I had to go back and forth from work to the hospital and then to my classes and the cycle repeats again. But that was okay. I could still see her. I could touch her. I could kiss her. I could hug her with all my might. Never once I thought that death would release her from all the discomfort that she felt.

The night of her death is seared in my mind like a hot poker to flesh. We all knew the time was coming but it did not make it any easier. I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, I stared at her and listened to her breathing. I finished the Yassin and I was counting how many times she inhaled and exhaled. My father was on the other side whispering the two kalimah syahadah in her ears. All my brothers were around her bed touching her as if that will tell her to hold on and not leave us. Alas that was not a choice to be made by us as the sakaratul maut took my mother during my fifth count of her inhalation. Through the blur of tears and sobs I heard my father say 'innalillah...'. The finality of that moment is indescribable. I felt breathless, my heart felt like it was squeezed so tightly that I thought it would burst. I kept on kissing her as I knew in a few hours I would never be able to kiss her again. In death her expression was peaceful as she no longer had to struggle for air.

From time to time I will need to write about my mother as this is a way for me to release my feelings. One therapeutic way of healing other than religion.

I love you Mommy, always and forever.

CHALLENGES

This week was my first week of classes...hell I was so excited that I felt like I was a school kid again...I actually went to a bookstore and got myself a whole bunch of new writing materials, folders and other stuff that I don't really need but what the heck...but at the same time I do realize the incoming projectiles of assignments, tutorials, test and yadayadayada...taking 3 classes on a part time basis is risky but hey I've got 3 weeks to add/drop stuff...but if married people with kid(s) can do it why not me...I do worry if I can't be around when my mom needs me but I shall deal with it when the time comes...But the funny thing is when I was walking around the faculty, I was surrounded by young freshies and this brought back great memories of my own university life (minus the failure ;-0)...of course during that time there were no other worries other than to study (and of course getting your crush to ask you out)...it's good to be back but I do have to say this....THE FREAKING PASSING MARK IS 64%...anything lower forget it...now to people like me (never aimed for all A's - I usually go through the alphabet) that's tough...sigh...well wish me luck.

Moi

The thing about photographs....they can be deceiving...it's all about the right angles... ;-)
moi

Partners and Marriage

Somebody forwarded this to me and I thought that it is something so profoundly true that I wanted to share it:

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

Procreation

It's been a long time since I blogged...no time...so despite the hectic schedule today, I managed to scan some blogs and what a wonderful surprise...three pregnancies this year (cerita basi but hey better late than never)...so I would like to extend my congratulations to Haniza, Mafietz, Yanti, Azad, Sue and Fiqar for the rezeki God has bestowed them. For Haniza, you are always in my prayers and may God give you strength to face the challenges He gives you. Trials and tribulations are part of the purification process that prepares you for the afterlife. So be strong dear friend eventhough I know it sounds so cliche. Well back to work now for me...I love my work but at times I feel like I need to thrash a student...sigh.

The Gender of my Brain

I finally figured out why I am not yet married. My brain is half female half male or to be exact: 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male...fewwgghhh...thank God the percentage for female is higher. What does this actually mean...well according to the explanation given it's good: my brain is a healthy mix of male and female and I am both sensitive and savvy; rational and reasonable. I also tend to keep a level head (the irony). But I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. By the way Dil if you are reading this I am 80% Leo. I am a sucker for all these online testing thingamajig. I was curious enough to find out what gender my brain is and lo and behold my brain is both. And I also found out that the country I belong to is UK...blarney...not what I want...thinking more along the line of Fiji Islands. Another thing is I don't belong in the year 2005 but I actually belong to the year 1966...what an old soul I am. Last but not least the meaning of my name:

NURLEENA
N is for Normal
U is for Unreal
R is for Remarkable
L is for Logical
E is for Excellent
E is for Enchanting
N is for Nice
A is for Abstract

So I am normal but unreal; all the other good stuff but also an abstract...hmmm...weird. Well if some of you have all the time in the world to go check out these quizzes...go try...kinda fun...silly but fun. Ciao...;-)

Death

Nowadays when I read the newspaper I actually look for gory stories that deal with murder. It becomes so common that I am actually disappointed when there are no horrible stories to read. Now you may think that I am some kind of sick person who enjoys reading these stories. Well I don't enjoy them. But the weird thing is that it becomes a part of my reading material as Malaysia is so full of these horrible murders - stabbing, raping, sodomizing, burning, strangling, slashing, beating- these are just some of the words that describe these terrible crimes. What is happening to our country? I use to be able to cycle any where I want to in TTDI even at night. Now forget it. Who should be blamed? Western influences? Please that's a road taken and let's not blame others for our mistakes. So what has caused our society to deteriorate so badly?

Ramblings...

A friend of mine gave me this nice piece of writing and I would like to share it with everyone...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

This came to me at the right time...as I was contemplating the number that is associated with age I was feeling a bit low...as usual...but this piece of work really cheered me up...I love life, my life with all the ups and downs...;-)!

Gentle Giant

My first entry for the year 2005. Yesterday, Nor and I went to visit Dil and Eza to see his beautiful baby daughter, Soffyya. A gorgeous baby with thick hair and twinkling eyes. It was a really touching moment to see Dil gently picking up his daughter...thus the term gentle giant!!! But again I forgot my camera so I was unable to capture the sweet moment. I do pity the daughter though...she will have a hard time learning to spell her name...it's not enough that her name has many letters but her papa's name is also complicated...atleast she doesn't have to spell her mama's name too often, Azhaezah...so to sweet Imanee Soffyya Ibdilillah, welcome to the circle of life in Taman Tun.

CANCER

The word cancer has brought a new meaning to my life. I always hear it happening to others and thinking that it will never cross my path...that I would be one of the lucky ones to not be dealing with it myself. Then suddenly my world literally came crashing down. My beloved mother was diagnosed with having papillary adenocarcinoma on the 19th of November 2004. This cancer is a rare form of lung cancer. I have been having a tough time just dealing with the diagnosis itself. It still has not sink in yet. There are days when I feel confident about fighting it...that we will be successful in getting rid of this horrible disease that is ravaging my mom. And yet there are days when I feel afraid...afraid of losing my mother whom I selfishly is unable to live without. When facing her, I am the strongest daughter there is...showing a positive outlook and keeping the spirit up. But when night comes, the fear suffocates me that I am terrified of sleeping. I feel that she is just going to disappear on me and I will be alone. I am not ready to be without her...nobody is really ever ready to be without their mothers. I have to remind myself that this is God's will and that He is testing my family's faith in Him. Religion has brought peace when days are dark and stormy. Family and friends have provided emotional support when needed. Only Allah will be able to repay their kindness.

Routine...

Back to work...sucks...but what to do...I need the pay check. Sigh...this Eid has been the most hectic Eid of my life. I had to handle the hordes of relatives...mom is sick...really sick...worried like hell. Friends were great...dropped by to check mom's stats...Thanks to Dr. Omar, Dr. Telal, Dr. Haniza, and Dr. Sue...really cool to have friends with knowledge. But it has been a joyous occasion as well...I get to play with so many cute babies...Puteri, Lyana, Ilhan, Aiman and many more...some are still in the oven...Eza that is...can't wait to see Dil's baby. Well hope that things will look better in the weeks to come.