Changes

Sometimes you read something that another person wrote and it made you think. I read a friend’s blog entry regarding ‘changes’ and ‘saying goodbye’. I personally realized that I’ve been going through major changes of my own. It never really hit me that these changes have occurred and how it impacts my life. I guess if I want to recall every single change in my life it would take too long to note it down (I am not a writer!) but what could be considered major?
I guess I can say that my failure to complete my degree in the states. Why did the failure occur? Stupid heart-wrenching love story – that’s what happened! I mean how lame can I be? I honestly don’t love or accept relationships easily…I am one of the ‘boys’…so I am not in my comfort zone when talking about feelings. Yeah…I’ll comment on how ‘hot’ a guy looks like but that is usually it. But ‘Panda’ broke my heart. But honestly that was only the catalyst – then I changed…into a madwoman…thus this change ended with a sad note…I failed. I didn’t attend classes, I slept during the day and woke up at night…playing pool…hanging out with friends. I came back into the loving arms of my parents and continued my studies. This change taught me not to be reckless and keep my head on my shoulders.
Second change, was a friendship experience. I have a group of friends that has been with me since I was a young girl. Two ladies are the closest to me…Juju & Ina. But Ina and I went through some changes from 2002 – 2005. We grew apart. And when I mean apart here is no communication at all. We weren’t fighting but we just grew apart. I was sad that this sad incident occurred. Even when my late mom passed on she just came to hug me and left. She was never there through the toughest time when I needed a good friend. But out of the blue, she came back to the circle and opened a boutique ‘Apple and Pearl’. We talked about the separation, we cried but we ended up being close again. This change taught me forgiveness.
The third change was death…my mother’s death. I don’t think I can clearly explain what I went through when I watched the person I love the most slowly wither away. I had to be the grown up that I was because I wasn’t before. I relied on my mother so much that I just simply refuse to grow up. But when she left I had no choice but to grow up. I had to handle the family like she did. Could I? Not really…the first few months were the most tiring…physically and emotionally. But I have a cool dad who allowed me to get things done my way. So that change taught me patience.
My mother’s death was in my head when a friend wrote a blog entry entitled ‘saying goodbye’, I was thinking about my mother and how I said my goodbye to her. In my thoughts, the images of the day she died are still clear in my mind. So clear and real that I can remember her scent and what she was wearing. I believe in heaven and I believe that she is in a better place waiting for judgment day. Knowing all this I suddenly realized that I haven’t really said goodbye. I say this because I haven’t stopped talking to her about everything. I have a step-mother now and she’s a nice lady but I haven’t been able to talk to her like I talk to my own mother. I am no longer teary when I have thoughts of my mother as I know she had to go but I can’t seem to forget all the things that I do with her. So I’ll hold conversations in my head as if she was around. I pass by her grave almost everyday and I greet her. Silly it may seem to some but it’s something that I just subconsciously do. My goodbye to her was to her physical self as I know she’s no longer with me. But her essence as a mother is still with me, and I haven’t said goodbye to that yet. I accept death as part of life and so my goodbye to her is an acceptance to that, I’m just slow at saying goodbye to the image that I have of her. Probably sound silly to some but I guess it is how I feel. Sometimes you read something that doesn’t necessarily echo the same thing but it still creates some sort of feeling that you didn’t realize you have.
The most recent change is my movement away from my work place. Am I happy? Ecstatically happy but yet at the same time horribly sad. The past five years have been great. My department (to me of course) is the coolest department ever. I have met some interesting people that have been good friends. It’s an odd relationship to me because we don’t see or talk to each other during the weekends (unless something comes up). We just see each other during the day and that’s it. But yet, with some, I have developed a strong friendship. Ms. Piggy is one of those friends. The odd thing is we will be moving in to the same new office just a different department. So changes are supposed to be good right? I mean a good pay, better job scope, own room and so on. But yet the sadness…leaving those that have slowly turned into good friends (‘annoying at times but acceptably charming’ as an example). I mean who would have guessed that inviting yourself to lunch with Ms. Fatty and Ms. Piggy would turn into a nice group of friends. I mean I am kind of picky…so I guessed it worked out. Aih…there are many more things that I can talk about but that would just kill me to write. So I guess I’ll end here.