CANCER

The word cancer has brought a new meaning to my life. I always hear it happening to others and thinking that it will never cross my path...that I would be one of the lucky ones to not be dealing with it myself. Then suddenly my world literally came crashing down. My beloved mother was diagnosed with having papillary adenocarcinoma on the 19th of November 2004. This cancer is a rare form of lung cancer. I have been having a tough time just dealing with the diagnosis itself. It still has not sink in yet. There are days when I feel confident about fighting it...that we will be successful in getting rid of this horrible disease that is ravaging my mom. And yet there are days when I feel afraid...afraid of losing my mother whom I selfishly is unable to live without. When facing her, I am the strongest daughter there is...showing a positive outlook and keeping the spirit up. But when night comes, the fear suffocates me that I am terrified of sleeping. I feel that she is just going to disappear on me and I will be alone. I am not ready to be without her...nobody is really ever ready to be without their mothers. I have to remind myself that this is God's will and that He is testing my family's faith in Him. Religion has brought peace when days are dark and stormy. Family and friends have provided emotional support when needed. Only Allah will be able to repay their kindness.

Routine...

Back to work...sucks...but what to do...I need the pay check. Sigh...this Eid has been the most hectic Eid of my life. I had to handle the hordes of relatives...mom is sick...really sick...worried like hell. Friends were great...dropped by to check mom's stats...Thanks to Dr. Omar, Dr. Telal, Dr. Haniza, and Dr. Sue...really cool to have friends with knowledge. But it has been a joyous occasion as well...I get to play with so many cute babies...Puteri, Lyana, Ilhan, Aiman and many more...some are still in the oven...Eza that is...can't wait to see Dil's baby. Well hope that things will look better in the weeks to come.

Eid

Have a Blessed Eid!

Lost 4 kg...sigh...gonna gain twice as much during Raya!

Flabs

Weight loss...an issue close to my heart or maybe I should say closer to my thighs, ass, flabby arms and the list goes on...Pilates (pulateez - pronunciation not at all according to the spelling...matsalehs go figure), Yoga, The South Beach Diet, The Atkins, The Zone, Weight Watchers, and the more extreme makeover Liposuction (scary procedure - imagine a long tube scrapping your insides and sucking out yellow pink fatty stuff) are some examples of modern weight loss programs/procedures. What did we have in the 80's - the ever present Jane Fonda's aerobic video then later on it was Cindy Crawford (I spent the whole time admiring her perfect body - zero movement). I have always wanted to lose weight (friends would hurl projectiles if they read this as I have said it a gazillion times). But I really do - Reason (1) in a fantasy world the 'ONE' would love all of you including the extra baggage - reality = bullshit because no matter what anyone says, looks or in this case body shape comes first...I will be 29 in the year 2005 so I need to get hitch soon (the hitch thing will be further dealt with in another blog). Reason (2) health scare...the lifestyle of today's population is different...fast food is a major source of unhealthy fat intake thus leading to heart problem, cholesterol and so on...so I really don't want to keel over at a tender age. Reason (3) clothes...gosh there are so many cool stuff out there but it never goes beyond the L size (which is actually still way too small) so I have to resort to the Ms. Read section, Total Woman or the Big Brown Bag...what joy! NOT! So these are the reasons why. Some might ask why not a gym..been there done that...spent RM2000 for membership but I only went there like 10 times...what did I do - sauna and jacuzzi and maybe about 5 minutes on the bike or some other thingamajig...so forget that. How bout diet pills...been there done that too. I think I know the solution - a mental change first...I need to set my mind on what I want then the body will follow next...but to get over the mental block of laziness is the biggest hurdle I have not yet been able to do...sigh...same ole' same ole'. -wish for a magick fat wand- abracadabra and puff there goes the fat-

New blog

Well a new blog spot for me as I have terminated my other one as the ramblings got a bit too violent and evil. Eid is almost here and it has been a wonderful Ramadhan for me as it was sort of a gathering of friends from all over the place. The only incomplete part of my life is that I wish I have someone other than family and friends to share my life with. Please don't mistake this for ungratefulness...I am happy with my life as I have everything that a person would want except for a partner to share it with. And it really gets lonely at times especially at gatherings where friends bring along spouses and my favourite part...babies...the yearning always bring tears to my eyes. A lot of my friends say that I am very choosy...I am...not in terms of looks but in terms of character...I have been burnt before so bad that trust is the most sacred thing that is difficult to find. It is so difficult to find a malay man that is not a typical malay man (mmbbuaahh would really have something to say about that statement)...but at the same time I do understand that I am not perfect either...my friends will vouch for that at any time (pink lady and mrs. hua zhe lei). I am not feminine...I am not thin at all (I could lose a lot of pounds)...I am not gorgeous (and I am not being humble just honest...that is what blogs are for)...I am damn sarcastic...But at the same time I am also a nice person and at times people say that I am hilarious (people say not me)...so there you go...the sad chapter of my life as an intro...actually on other days I am quite a cheerful person...melancholy hit me bad today...must be the festivities...;-)!