Ramblings of a mute

Strangers...

2010-05-20T13:17:00.002+08:00

The thing about blogging that makes it interesting: strangers commenting on what you have written. Now why is that interesting? Well, having a person who does not know you commenting on something that was on your mind is an eye opener (really assuming that anonymous is really anonymous). Sometimes it gives you a fresh perspective. Though it does seem kind of lame that I'm mentioning this when there aren't that many strangers (readers) that are reading my blog. Lamer when I only blog at certain times coz I prefer to tweeter daily. We are such Internet freaks at times.

What do I want to do this weekend? Movie? Robin Hood (A bit skeptical - loved Kevin Costner)?

Freak II: reading

2010-05-06T23:00:00.002+08:00

I keep mentioning that I'm a TV freak...but then again that's not the only freaky thing about me. I'm also a book freak: fantasy, sci-fi, murder, spy, and anything else under the sun. But I guess the freakiest bit would be my fascination with vampires...as you can fully read and understand, I don't consider freaky a bad word...^_^. The first vampire book that I read is a classic: Bram Stoker's Dracula. I remember clearly how fascinated I was with the character...a man that is evil yet there's an understanding as to why he did it. That was the start: my fondness for vampires. As I grew older, I continued to search for vampire books and I found Anne Rice. I love all her books pertaining to Lestat de Lioncourt, Louis de Pont du Lac, Armand and others. I highlighted 'books' because I hated all the Hollywood movies about Anne Rice's books. It was a failure...I mean...Tom Cruise as Lestat...Brad Pitt as Louis...blearrghhh...I guess Antonio as Armand was the closest to the book. Once I covered Anne Rice, I searched for more which was when I realized that the vampire literature got a bit clogged up with all the romance vampire icky stuff. Don't get me wrong: romance is good but the gooey stuff they write is just too sweet and disgusting at the same time that it induces continuous vomiting. Again, don't get me wrong...I like it when a dude saves the day but when the dudette is weak (I mean anorexic weak with an hour to live) kills the story. If you read about Mercy Thompson by Patricia Briggs (by the way she's a walker), that's one strong character driven woman. And no I'm not a feminist...like I wrote before, I like being saved by a man but at the same time I would like to be able to use my brain. I really hate that term 'feminist'....eargghhh...OMG...I completely ran away from the topic: vampire...sigh. Back to topic: whoever that's interested there is a whole load of books that is soooo interesting. And get this: not all vampire books are about vampires only. There are the weres (referring to anything that can change into animal form), walkers, fae and many others. For relax reading, go for 'True Blood'...I mean a southern vampire story...sweet (not icky) or read anything by Kelley Armstrong, Christine Feehan or you want to read anything on selkies and vampires then read Nicole Peeler's Tempest Rising (there are two more books). Honestly, I can go on but getting sleepy...yawn...will read a book before I sleep...good night readers (if there are any).

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allan Poe

^-^ Reading is a relaxing way to unwind. I read fiction...not reality based.

Soul mate...

2010-04-29T13:42:00.003+08:00

TV freak...that's what I am...so a week ago I watched 'Sex in the City' for the gazillionth time. It came to one scene where the four ladies were talking about soul mates...or lacking of soul mates. And I liked Charlotte's response to Carrie's sadness in not having a soul mate:

Carrie: No, I know I have you guys. I hate myself a little for saying this but… it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soul mate… and I don’t even know if I believe in soul mates.

Charlotte: Don’t laugh at me but maybe we could be each others' soul mates. And then we could let men be just these great nice guys to have fun with.

Samantha: Wow, that sounds like a plan.

Carrie: I’m thirty-five, thirty-five is not twenty-five.

Miranda: Thank, god!

Samantha: Oh, Shut the fuck up, I’m a hundred and forty.

It amazes me how it reflects my real life. The conversations that I have with my girlfriends are always about finding the right man. But what if that particular moment has passed? And when I say that, people think that I've given up. The thing is, it's not about giving up...it's just that I go through my daily life as it is. I don't really search because I don't know what to search for. I mean, I've got ideals but at the same time I know that ideals don't exist. People are people and wanting to change them to be your ideal is not going to work. People don't change. I'm also surrounded by people who can't seem to help themselves to wish for my wedded bliss. I thank you for caring. I have friends who are happily married and I also have friends who are seriously sinking into a deep hole even with a man in their lives. So will I get married...I don't know. Do I wish it? At times I do but at times I don't. But do you know what I really want...a baby. ^_^ That's for another entry.

Ms. Audrey...

2010-04-18T16:57:00.003+08:00

I'm going to write about something that is sensitive. Sensitive in a lot of ways. A friend wants me to write about it and in honest truth it's not a subject that I'm comfortable with. This issue is a growing issue. Me, being a lecturer, I see it happening all the time. Before this my attitude has been I'm okay with it because everyone has the right to make their own choices even though they are wrong. Then it happened to a person I know. So for those who are reading...what could this issue be? Well, let me tell you: lesbianism and homosexuality. I've always had friends and students who are in the category of being apart from society. I say this not a demeaning way but let's face reality...it's not an easy concept to acknowledge. Why? Well for me it's pretty simple: religion states clearly that homosexuality or lesbianism is not something accepted. It's not a gray area...which is why this is not a comfortable issue to talk about.

Let me tell you about this friend: let me address her as Audrey. Why? She's a fanatic when it comes to Ms. Audrey Hepburn. She obviously a Malay woman thus making her a Muslism. We have been friends for quite sometime. I remember not meeting her but a conversation I had with her. This is what I asked her: "Would you be by any chance a lesbian?" Those who know me, know that I can be quite direct which I truly believe is much better than if I gossiped about her. She was a bit taken aback but she still replied. Her reply was: no she was not. So I let that go as I believe she was telling me the truth. I easily trust people and I also believe that she had nothing to hide from me. As time progressed, we got to know each other more as we both enjoyed each others' company. Then one day she dropped a bombshell: she was technically seeing an ex-student of hers. Why did I use the word 'technically'? Well, this young lady (really young - cradle snatcher young) is living in the UK. So they have been communicating with each other through FB, Skype and whatever else that's online. And their communication has gotten intimate and she had also started to care about this young girl. I was surprised but not too surprised as that was the original vibe I got. I honestly told her that I wished that it was a young boy as opposed to a young girl. I mean, I'm not a saint, never claimed to be one but at the same time there are lines that I don't cross. So I told her what I felt which is: I don't fudging agree. But at the same time I did tell her that she's an adult therefore she should make a choice about what needs to be done. Don't we all agree that a thousand people can give you advice but you might not necessarily take it. I had a feeling she was going to get burned. I mean, cynical me knows this: she's young, my friend is a Muslim...put that together it's going to crash and burn. I got to know this young lady online and we chatted. She talked about her fears and I was placed in an awkward position. Deep down, I wanted to tell her to end it which I know my friend would probably no longer be a friend now. So I let it go and told her to wait and see my friend in person then decide. So she did come back. Spent some time with my friend and true enough...towards the end...she ended it. This left my friend with a broken-heart. She is still suffering and I do feel for her but at the same time I'm relieved that it is over. It sounds evil I know but a broken heart is always better than sinning. At the end of the day, religion is my major concern because at the same time I'm looking at my life and realized that I have a lot to work towards. I need to get closer to Allah. I've always taken religion for granted as I always believe that I've got time. But do I? Do I have the time? But let's not go there...that's another blog entry. So Audrey: it hurts now and honestly I understand but believe this: at the end of a dark tunnel there is light. Lame...I know but seriously there is light. So be strong and open your heart again to the opposite sex. I mean there are not many left...seriously...but hey...you never know.

On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:

Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”

It's been a long time...

2010-03-28T17:20:00.005+08:00

It has been a freakishly long time since I last logged in to my blog. A lot obviously has happened...thus having the inability to focus on a particular subject. So what shall I do...well why don't I talk about TV...since I love TV so much...I mean I really love TV. Illegally downloading stuff...I mean seriously against the law...which I understand and accept. But it really doesn't change the fact that it takes forever for TV shows to come in. Not only is time the issue but also the sensitive censorship board issues. Don't get me wrong...I do agree there is a need to censor certain stuff but at times...it really kills the story...whoa...I'm way off track...I wanted to talk about TV...so let me get back to TV...TV series...police dramas...I love police dramas...I mean CSI...minus Miami...David Caruso spoils the joy...Criminal Minds...Without a Trace...NCIS...and NCIS:LA is coming...I watch those on ASTRO...what do I download...The Mentalist, Warehouse 13, Supernatural, Castle, Fringe and a few others...why do I like downloading these TV shows...I've got a good answer...first and foremost...it cuts past the lousy advertisement that takes a llllooonnnggg time...so most of these episodes last about 45 minutes...some even less than that. I also want to mention that I miss 'Friends'...I mean I really miss the quirky banter, the odd couple, the sarcasm and also the friendship. Nothing is as entertaining. So what sitcom am I watching: Cougar Town...funny enough...though not as funny as 'Friends'. I mean if I could make money writing about the joy of watching TV...I'd do it...and be a millionaire. And that's on TV alone...if I talk about movies...freaked out is what you'll be...coz I watch across continents, culture, language...yadda yadda...so there you go...my first blog of 2010...is about my obsession with TV. Next...my obsession with books...so yes people...the 2010 topics will be on obsessions. Ciao...^_^

Long time...

2009-01-28T02:08:00.003+08:00

Wow...it has been a long time since I last blogged...have I been busy? Well yes...I have...but honestly, I just can't think of anything to write. I'm wondering what 2009 will entail...maybe...hopefully... an interesting entry?!?! ;-)

Multiple Intelligence

2007-11-20T11:08:00.000+08:00

Some intellectuals around the world say that the ability to understand the world is a complex matter...based on personal experience...yeah it's a complex matter. The Internet is definitely a good source to try out all these tests (especially if you have the unstoppable urge to fill in blanks - like I do). So I tried this 'Multiple Intelligences Test'. Well for those who are curious, I will share my list of intelligences:

1. Intrapersonal (myself smart): I know myself well, especially in terms of strengths and weaknesses.
2. Logical (number smart): Good in mathematics, which is true (eventhough I am teaching language - go figure)
3. Naturalistic (nature smart): I enjoy the world of plants and animals, surprisingly true, though my plants usually die on me...hmmm...
4. Visual/Spatial (picture smart): Supposedly good in art, able to read maps...hmmm..not quite cause I suck at map reading and double suck at art...but I am good at solving picture puzzles.
5. Kinaesthetic (body smart): Enjoy sports...athletic...well I guess I enjoyed sports at one point in my life but now the weight issue (fat) is making this difficult...:-(
6. Interpersonal (people smart): Enjoy mixing in groups, be involved in activities...hmmm...actually I am quite the introvert as I enjoy being by myself.
7. Linguistic (word smart): Enjoy reading and writing...well I definitely enjoy reading to the point that some people may call it an addiction but writing...blearghhh...I definitely suck at that...funny thing is...I am good at teaching it...;-).
8. Musical (music smart): Enjoy music and able to recognize sounds...love music but recognize sounds...aih..nope..definitely not!

Now for those of you who are interested in finding the levels of your intelligences please visit this website: http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks3/ict/multiple_int/what.cfm

Nature of humans...to never be satisfied...

2007-11-16T13:49:00.000+08:00

We, creatures called humans, are never satisfied with all the good things that enter our world. We tend to continue looking for more things (things: referring to anything that we want in this world) to ensure that we are happy...without realizing that you are happy. Am I happy? I actually am...surprisingly...as I always want something that I do not have. Someone sent me an email with this story attached to it. I would like to share this story. Don't look at it in a romantic way but look at it through how we, humans, are always wanting more without realizing the things we have. So read on fellow bloggers, read on:

This story tells us something about..... LOVE & LIFE.

My husband is an engineer by profession,I love him for his steady nature and..I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons why I loved him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce. "Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!"I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him? And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind? "Somebody said it right...It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started to lose faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question....If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. "Let's say; I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?" He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response. I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes..."My dear, I would not pick that flower for you, but...please allow me to explain the reasons further..." This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face... Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die..." My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading. "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk..." I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone. That's LIFE, and LOVE.When one is surrounded by love,the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form. Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...AND THAT'S LIFE. The happiest people in the world... are not those who have no problems, but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect. LOVE is not just between two lovers, husband and wife--it also encompass; mother, father and siblings, sisters and brothers, friends and neighbors ya!

Need...

2007-11-12T09:43:00.000+08:00

Have you ever gone through a time where you needed something so badly but it is just out of your reach? It is a need so bad that you're doubling in pain cause you do not have it. It is there for you to see, touch or smell but you can not have it because it does not belong to you. And it will never belong to you because you are not worth it. You might ask: why do you want it when you can not have it? Humans are like that, wanting something that they can not have. In this case, I can not have it because it is not interested in being owned. Sometimes I close my eyes and dream how it would feel like if I could have it. I know I will care for it, nurture it and love it. But that is all I can do, dream. I am learning to live without it. Not easy of course but it is something that needs to be done. So it is probably the last time I need something like I need this thing. I will be relieved once this need disappear. But it will probably take some time. Wish me luck!

Changes

2007-09-28T09:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you read something that another person wrote and it made you think. I read a friend’s blog entry regarding ‘changes’ and ‘saying goodbye’. I personally realized that I’ve been going through major changes of my own. It never really hit me that these changes have occurred and how it impacts my life. I guess if I want to recall every single change in my life it would take too long to note it down (I am not a writer!) but what could be considered major?
I guess I can say that my failure to complete my degree in the states. Why did the failure occur? Stupid heart-wrenching love story – that’s what happened! I mean how lame can I be? I honestly don’t love or accept relationships easily…I am one of the ‘boys’…so I am not in my comfort zone when talking about feelings. Yeah…I’ll comment on how ‘hot’ a guy looks like but that is usually it. But ‘Panda’ broke my heart. But honestly that was only the catalyst – then I changed…into a madwoman…thus this change ended with a sad note…I failed. I didn’t attend classes, I slept during the day and woke up at night…playing pool…hanging out with friends. I came back into the loving arms of my parents and continued my studies. This change taught me not to be reckless and keep my head on my shoulders.
Second change, was a friendship experience. I have a group of friends that has been with me since I was a young girl. Two ladies are the closest to me…Juju & Ina. But Ina and I went through some changes from 2002 – 2005. We grew apart. And when I mean apart here is no communication at all. We weren’t fighting but we just grew apart. I was sad that this sad incident occurred. Even when my late mom passed on she just came to hug me and left. She was never there through the toughest time when I needed a good friend. But out of the blue, she came back to the circle and opened a boutique ‘Apple and Pearl’. We talked about the separation, we cried but we ended up being close again. This change taught me forgiveness.
The third change was death…my mother’s death. I don’t think I can clearly explain what I went through when I watched the person I love the most slowly wither away. I had to be the grown up that I was because I wasn’t before. I relied on my mother so much that I just simply refuse to grow up. But when she left I had no choice but to grow up. I had to handle the family like she did. Could I? Not really…the first few months were the most tiring…physically and emotionally. But I have a cool dad who allowed me to get things done my way. So that change taught me patience.
My mother’s death was in my head when a friend wrote a blog entry entitled ‘saying goodbye’, I was thinking about my mother and how I said my goodbye to her. In my thoughts, the images of the day she died are still clear in my mind. So clear and real that I can remember her scent and what she was wearing. I believe in heaven and I believe that she is in a better place waiting for judgment day. Knowing all this I suddenly realized that I haven’t really said goodbye. I say this because I haven’t stopped talking to her about everything. I have a step-mother now and she’s a nice lady but I haven’t been able to talk to her like I talk to my own mother. I am no longer teary when I have thoughts of my mother as I know she had to go but I can’t seem to forget all the things that I do with her. So I’ll hold conversations in my head as if she was around. I pass by her grave almost everyday and I greet her. Silly it may seem to some but it’s something that I just subconsciously do. My goodbye to her was to her physical self as I know she’s no longer with me. But her essence as a mother is still with me, and I haven’t said goodbye to that yet. I accept death as part of life and so my goodbye to her is an acceptance to that, I’m just slow at saying goodbye to the image that I have of her. Probably sound silly to some but I guess it is how I feel. Sometimes you read something that doesn’t necessarily echo the same thing but it still creates some sort of feeling that you didn’t realize you have.
The most recent change is my movement away from my work place. Am I happy? Ecstatically happy but yet at the same time horribly sad. The past five years have been great. My department (to me of course) is the coolest department ever. I have met some interesting people that have been good friends. It’s an odd relationship to me because we don’t see or talk to each other during the weekends (unless something comes up). We just see each other during the day and that’s it. But yet, with some, I have developed a strong friendship. Ms. Piggy is one of those friends. The odd thing is we will be moving in to the same new office just a different department. So changes are supposed to be good right? I mean a good pay, better job scope, own room and so on. But yet the sadness…leaving those that have slowly turned into good friends (‘annoying at times but acceptably charming’ as an example). I mean who would have guessed that inviting yourself to lunch with Ms. Fatty and Ms. Piggy would turn into a nice group of friends. I mean I am kind of picky…so I guessed it worked out. Aih…there are many more things that I can talk about but that would just kill me to write. So I guess I’ll end here.

One of those days...

2007-09-25T12:20:00.000+08:00

"Out Of Reach"

Knew the signs

Wasn't right

I was stupid for a while

Swept away by you

And now I feel like a fool

So confused,

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach,

Couldn't see

We were never

Meant to be

Catch myself

From despair

I could drown

If I stay here

Keeping busy everyday

I know I will be OK

But I was

So confused,

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach,

Couldn't see

We were never

Meant to be

So much hurt,

So much pain

Takes a while

To regain

What is lost inside

And I hope that in time,

You'll be out of my mind

And I'll be over you

But now I'm

So confused,

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach,

Couldn't see

We were never

Meant to be

Out of reach, so far

You never gave your heart

In my reach, I can see

There's a life out there

For me

Gabrielle

Baby, it's all good!

2006-12-01T10:57:00.000+08:00

What do you see when you look at me

Do you see someone limited, or someone free

All some people can do is just look and stare

Simply because they can't see my hair

Others think I am controlled and uneducated

They think that I am limited and un-liberated

They are so thankful that they are not me

Because they would like to remain 'free'

Well free isn't exactly the word I would've used

Describing women who are cheated on and abused

They think that I do not have opinions or voice

They think that being hooded isn't my choice

They think that the hood makes me look caged

That my husband or dad are totally outraged

All they can do is look at me in fear

And in my eye there is a tear

Not because I have been stared at or made fun of

But because people are ignoring the

One up above

On the day of judgment they will be the fools

Because they were too ashamed to play by their own rules

Maybe the guys won't think I am a cutie

But at least I am filled with more inner beauty

See I have declined from being a guy's toy

Because I won't let myself be controlled by a boy

Real men are able to appreciate my mind

And aren't busy looking at my behind

Hooded girls are the ones really helping the Muslim cause

The role that we play definitely deserves applause

I will be recognized because I am smart and bright

And because some people are inspired by my sight

The smart ones are attracted by my tranquility

In the back of their mind they wish they were me

We have the strength to do what we think is right

Even if it means putting up a life long fight

You see we are not controlled by a mini skirt and tight shirt

We are given only respect, and never treated like dirt

So you see, we are the ones that are free and liberated

We are not the ones that are sexually terrorized and violated

We are the ones that are free and pure

We're free of STD's that have no cure

So when people ask you how you feel about the hood

Just sum it up by saying, 'Baby its all good'

Author unknown

Hijab

2006-11-28T10:32:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me why do I wear a hijab...

"And say to the believing women that they should restrain their eyes, and guard their modesty (virtue), and that they display not their ornaments except what appears of them. And that they draw their veils over their bosoms and display not their ornaments except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husbands fathers, or their sons, or their husband's sons, or their brothers, or their brothers' sons, or their sister's sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male domestics who have no natural sexual force, or children who know nothing of women's nakedness. And let them not strike their feet together so as to reveal their hidden ornaments. And repent you all to Allah, O you believers, that you may succeed." [24:31]

I wear because it is required by religion to do so. I do not question it because I truly see the beauty and logic in it. But please also keep in mind that the hijab itself does not symbolizes 'alimness'. 'Alimness' is between you and Allah. But there is a tendency for people to equate a person wearing a hijab and doing horrible deeds as a symbol of Islam. We have ourselves to blame for that as we forget that when we do wear the hijab, our actions should represent what we believe in, Allah, thus our religion Islam. So we should care about what we do as people will continuously see the hijab as representation of Islam. Do I do my best to do what is necessary? That is a question I will continue to ask myself as long as I am allowed time here on earth.

Suffering...

2006-10-17T09:43:00.000+08:00

I was watching Beyond Borders a few nights ago. I was hit very hard with the images of suffering and those images are not even the raw footage of what is really going on as it has gone through the Hollywood process. But even then I got really sad thinking about the people that are suffering...Especially children. I get hungry and thirsty during Ramadhan but at the end of the day I get to pick and choose from the many delicacies available to break my fast. People at these places call hell on earth do not have that choice. And I think to myself, what have I contributed as a person part of a society that is stable. Yeah I give money to foundations that I believe in but what do I really do as in to physically help? I should be volunteering to go to these hot zones like when Indonesia was hit by the tsunami. What stopped me? I do not have the responsibility of a marriage...no husband...no children...I should go. What stopped me was work...I cannot just pick a bag and leave as there is no way my institution would just allow me to take a 3 week leave to do volunteer work. Sounds like an excuse but it happens to be a solid one. So I have made up my mind to find a way to not work for people but to be my own boss in a few years time. Do I have the guts?? I do not know for sure...there's a lot of planning involved and not to forget the financial part. But at least then I have the freedom to do some of the things I plan. Some might say it's naive for me to even consider but I guess this is one experience I have to learn on my own. So even if I fall, I can get up with pride because at least I tried.

Amigos para siempre...

2006-10-06T13:37:00.000+08:00

Friendship is one of the best relationship a person can have (of course this comes from a person with no love life - but try to have an open mind). I do not have many female friends but the few that I have I treasure beyond priceless material things (seriously - not trying to sound cliche-ish). Two of my best friends, Monster and Pink Lady, and I have been been through the toughest parts of our lives together since teenagers eventhough at times we were not there physically but only in thought. We've been through breakups, hookups, wedding, births, death and even dissatisfaction among the three (sporadic communication for two years) and yet I have always had them in my mind and we always come back to each other. I don't have sisters, so these two would be the closest I get to ever finding out what sisters might feel like. Pink Lady's children are like my own especially Princess. What I treasure the most is that we never feel the need to sugar coat our words as we felt that the truth is more valuable than trying to protect each other. Only those that really care for you are willing to face the storm when confronted with truth. I guess this is especially true for me because it is in my nature that I am often blunt and sarcastic (so like House). But that also means my friends are able to tell me truths that I need to hear (especially those that you really don't want to hear). I hope that our friendship will remain true forever. Monster and Pink Lady...lots of love and hugs!!!

Empty Hearts

2006-10-05T10:03:00.000+08:00

Renaksi & Eseret...my fantasy.

Oscar Wilde

2006-09-27T15:34:00.000+08:00

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde - author, conversationalist, poet, critic and gay. He is eccentric and flamboyant, often at odds with the pompous society that surrounded him. Many a things were said about his extravagant and unconventional behaviour but to ignore his masterpiece is a fallacy that appeals to a person (my TSK students would know this ;-)). Here are some of his wicked wit (taken from 'The wicked wit of Oscar Wilde"):

The bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.

De Profundis

I would not have about me shallow fools,

Who with mean scruples weigh the gold of life,

And faltering, paltering, end by failure.

The Duchess of Padua

We all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

(I of course don't agree to that but he just put is so eloquently that I had to put it in)

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Men become old, but they never become good.

A Woman of No Importance

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the two sexes.

The Ideal Husband

I hate vulgar realism in literature. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Ramadhan

2006-09-24T00:11:00.000+08:00

It is time again for the holy month of Ramadhan...the time when a Muslim is obligated to fast as to purify his or her soul, refocus (if it wasn't focused before) his or her attention to Allah and sacrifice comforts in life to appreciate what you have and be grateful for it (to become aware of the plight of the poor and needy). The fulfillment of the required obligations (not just fasting but terawih, the reading of the Quran and so on) are rewarded 70 times more than usual reward (fasting is one of the 5 pillars of Islam).

The reason why the month of Ramadhan is so important is because it was the night that the holy book Al-Quran was sent down from the 7th level of Heaven to the 1st level from where it was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in piecemeal basis over a period of 23 years. Al-Quran is a record of the exact words revealed by God through the Angel Gabriel to the Prophet Muhammad. It was memorized by Muhammad and then dictated to his Companions, and written down by scribes, who cross-checked it during his lifetime. Not one word of its 114 chapters, Suras, has been changed over the centuries, so that the Quran is in every detail the unique and miraculous text which was revealed to Muhammad fourteen centuries ago. Al-Quran is also the prime source of every Muslim's faith and practice. It deals with all the subjects which concern us as human beings: wisdom, doctrine, worship, and law, but its basic theme is the relationship between God and His creatures. At the same time it provides guidelines for a just society, proper human conduct and an equitable economic system. But Muslims need to remember to not just read to Al-Quran but to also understand it.

2:185 - "Ramadhan is the (month) in which was sent down the Qur'an, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (Between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (Should be made up) by days later. Allah intends every facility for you; He does not want to put to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful."

Writing this entry was also a reminder to me to do the necessary for this holy month. The information above was directly taken from http://www.islamicity.com as I did not want to paraphrase and get it wrong.

Selamat Berpuasa to all my Muslim friends and for those friends who are not, enjoy the food galore at the bazaars.

Lame...

2006-09-23T01:23:00.000+08:00

Previous posts - indication of what boredom can do to a person...came back from Miami Vice (lame movie)...couldn't sleep...surfed the net...answered stupid blog quizzes...and ta-da...silly entries.

How logical am I?

2006-09-23T01:14:00.000+08:00

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logicWhile you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn goodKeep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howlogicalareyouquiz/">How Logical Are You?

How evil am I?

2006-09-23T01:01:00.000+08:00

You Are 42% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/">How Evil Are You?

How normal am I?

2006-09-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...Other things you do are downright strangeYou've got a little of your freak going onBut you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You?

What kind of blogger am I?

2006-09-23T00:53:00.000+08:00

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofbloggerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Blogger Are You?

How am I in love?

2006-09-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to take more than give in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howareyouinlovequiz/">How Are You In Love?

Sri Lankan dinner part 2

2006-09-18T15:52:00.000+08:00

The Sri Lankan dinner was so delicious. And I, in the midst of all the excitement of an all female uni mate dinner, forgot to take pictures of the food and the people (which I planned in advance…sigh). So that leaves me only one choice...to describe the people and the food which would not be the same. Let me start with a brief description of the people involved in this wonderful dinner get together. Most important of course were the hosts, Shamara and her wonderful sister Kamuthu (chef extraordinaire). They are from Sri Lanka, and of course Shamara is an A star uni mate whereas Kamuthu is an expatriate (her husband is currently working in Malaysia). They live in Bangsar. Next would be Emmy, my partner in crime in uni, whose job is to keep me walking in a continuous straight line. Then there’s the ever classy Rose, who looked superb that night as usual. Emmy and I met her in one of the many elective classes that we took. Then there’s Amelia, Emmy and I met her for the first time that night. She is Shamara's and Rose’s classmate.

Why would I put this dinner event in my blog? Well let me put it this way, it is one of those rare nights where a group of women from various backgrounds (such as being married, with children, single, young and middle aged) all met up to enjoy a wonderful dinner and talk about everything under the sun. It was a nice night to just sit and enjoy each other’s company. Emmy and I arrived on time at about 6.30 pm. The rest got there close to 7 pm. We had drinks and talked for awhile (about uni matters no less). Then we started dinner around 7.30 pm. The food was great (as in I could do those ‘travel and living’ shows and describe the food as one of the best meal I had). Kamuthu served us chicken beriani where the chicken was soooo tender and the spices just nice, prawn curry where the prawn is not over cooked, grilled potatoes with sautéed onions, spices and dried fish, and lastly the cubed salad with fresh yogurt. I mean some people might say “So what? We have beriani here in Malaysia. What’s so great about what you had?” True I suppose but what made this worth mentioning is because it was done to perfection. All the flavors just came together to create this unforgettable taste that blew us or me away. After seconds (couldn’t help myself – not disciplined enough), it was dessert…orange soufflé without the crème. Now here I was thinking without the crème the soufflé wouldn’t be so nice…was I so wrong. The orange soufflé was so tangy and sweet that a spoonful in your mouth was like a burst of 10 oranges. I mean I am seriously not exaggerating, Emmy, who does not have the required taste bud for sweet things, said that it was delicious. I was also appreciative that they remembered that some of us don’t take alcohol because the soufflé should have had some Grand Marnier in it. But even without the Grand Marnier it was soooooo delicious. Personal friends would know that I need to get on a diet and exercise but that night I couldn’t care less about getting thinner as I also had a second serving of the soufflé.

All in all it was an unforgettable night. Emmy and I plan to take Shamara out to dinner as a token of appreciation for cooking a splendid meal. It has to be soon as Shamara will leave for Sri Lanka soon. Hmmmm…a trip to Sri Lanka might be interesting… ;-).

Sri Lankan dinner

2006-09-16T09:25:00.000+08:00

I will be having dinner with Emmy at Shamara's place in Bangsar tonight. She will cook an authentic Sri Lankan meal (I bet it will be spicy...I will soooo sweat)...Can't wait to see her and hang out with Emmy...It's been awhile... ;-)

Change

2006-09-13T16:48:00.000+08:00

You want to change something so badly to suit your needs but in the end you realize that you can't...because you can't be selfish and impose your ideas on people who don't want it or need it. Sucks...

Major events...

2006-09-10T20:55:00.000+08:00

Since my last entry, I have faced life changing events in my life which has completely changed the normalcy that I am used to. Ever since my mother passed on, life has been different, filled with new experiences and challenges. The first event was of course my 30th birthday. Who would of thought that a particular day that changes the number of your age from being in your twenties to your thirties to be such an emotional day. I was ecstatic of course...I mean who does not like birthdays...presents and wishes are one of the nicest things you can receive from people that you care about (Monster and Pinklady - thanks for a memorable night - let's grow old together)...this is especially sweet when you're a teacher and your students sang outloud in class, called all the way from New Zealand and Australia, presents that you know people took effort in giving (my Totoro tissue cover, Jen's purple creation etc)...it's a beautiful feeling. Yet there is a tinge of sadness because I can't share it with my late mother.

Since I am on the topic of my mother I shall proceed to talk about my next life altering event...my father's pending marriage. Today was the 'merisik' and engagement of my future stepmother to my father. Who would've thought that I'd be putting the ring on the finger of a lady that will replace the place of my mother in our lives. Don't get me wrong...my siblings and I are supportive towards my father's second marriage...he needs companionship...we just feel that it really closes the chapter of my mother's life (there's a sense of finality to it). I use the word 'we' because we are collectively in agreement about it. I have met my future stepmother whom I will address as Mama Intan and alhamdulillah she is a nice and friendly lady...my siblings and I hope that our relationship will continue to grow in a positive way. My father's wedding date will be on November 4th, 2006 almost a year and four months after my mother's death. I am truly blessed as my mother in her wisdom saw the need to clarify to me during the days of her illness of the possibility of my father remarrying after she passed on. She reminded me, "When mama is gone, my life chapter in this world is complete, I don't want you to mourn me but rather I would prefer you to pray for me. You and your brothers are not to create trouble if your father wants to remarry as it is his right and need to do so. Your father has been here for me through thick and thin, he will need support once I am gone and later on he will need companionship that you will not be able to provide. Support him and be there for him as he has been there for you and your brothers." Those few simple words kept my head sane during the process of my father finding a new wife and it also provided a sense of peace as she had given us the green light (I did not want to feel as if I betrayed her in some way so her words absolved me from the guilt).

I also have to give credit to my father who has never kept anything from me or my siblings. In whatever decisions he made he always discussed it with us. So we never felt left out or hurt. I will always be thankful to God for giving me my parents. I hope my mother's soul is blessed by Allah and I hope that my father's second marriage is also blessed by Allah as our happiness is dependent on His blessings. Now I am hoping that my life will also be blessed...soon...;-)! Till next time...adios!

Understanding why...

2006-08-13T20:29:00.000+08:00

Took from a blog I came across...

If you have the time...

2006-08-10T16:21:00.000+08:00

Here's a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your browser.http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=060810041239-684237&

Curve ball...

2006-08-02T10:17:00.000+08:00

I hate it when life throws me a curve ball that I can't handle...It just swings by at such high speed that when it hits me...wham! I am done for...sigh [I need to be emotionless for awhile].

For a friend...

2006-07-26T16:13:00.000+08:00

A Time To Talk
by Robert Frost

When a friend calls to me from the road

And slows his horse to a meaning walk,

I don't stand still and look around

On all the hills I haven't hoed,

And shout from where I am, What is it?

No, not as there is a time to talk.

I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,

Blade-end up and five feet tall,

And plod: I go up to the stone wall

For a friendly visit.

Serial A...

2006-07-22T21:13:00.000+08:00

This blog entry is in honour of Emmy (as in the Emmy awards) my colleague and also uni mate. As I have described J before, I shall now proceed to describe Emmy (it's only fair as I might be accused of being biased). Is her blog entry just to offset J's entry? At first yes but then I realized how integral she was to my sanity during uni time. Before I get to that, let me first describe Emmy. She's petite (not positive thing for me), fair (extremely - her thighs usually blind me - before you think lesbian - she wears skirts so I can see them - sigh - everything needs clarification) and cute (she wears glasses, purple butterfly - kinda nerdy - but it works for her - sexy smart). She is extremely smart (effortlessly and annoyingly so) and yet willing to share information thus humble in demeanor. What does all this have to do with my sanity (which by the way I probably drove her nuts with my constant rambling through out the 15 minute drive)?

Studying and working at the same time is a crazy (to me). It did not help that I was never the studious type. I constantly procrastinate (until today) and other negative stuff that a student should not do (I constantly remind my students). But going to uni with Emmy kept it all together. During registration, I looked at her and she looked at me and we both said "Eh...you're doing your masters?" (or something along that line) so thus the start of a wonderful friendship. After class we'd usually go to Murni with Shirley and enjoy 'loh see something' (I obviously have no idea how to spell that - mee tikus and Shirley forever tom yam). It was mentally and physically exhausting but worth the effort. Well Emmy, I enjoyed your company and may the friendship continues. Lots of hugs and smiles.

Description of a serial grinner...

2006-07-21T17:13:00.000+08:00

This is a description of a serial grinner. This person does not realize (or pretends not to realize) the impact that his grin has on others. Let's call him J. First let me describe J's physical self. He's bloody tall (6'3" so that's one mark against him as I am completely envious of tall people), dark and unfortunately handsome (not necessarily a compliment). Next, I shall move on to his character. He is a religious Christian (talk to him no more than 2 minutes will give a clear picture) and nerdy which relates back to the physical description as he wears glasses. He's also nerdy in character (not necessarily a negative statement). He spouts information that is usually deemed useless for everyday life (J will obviously disagree with this statement). He teaches biology (see the subject matter - nerd). He keeps two separate blogs (one blog only a selected few can view - I am not included in the selected few - the other blog is a bio blog - NERD). Why would I put him in my blog entry? I shall answer this as clearly as I can...he is an entertainment source for me. How so? Well in the education industry, there are not many male species (the existing ones are usually married or gay - no joke). So when J entered, he became the center of attention. He was constantly mobbed by women (married or single - myself and a few friends are not part of this group). So what do I mean by being mobbed? Well they vie for his attention by smiling, flirting, giggling, hair flicking and so on. But I guess it's a good thing that he's not the 'buaya' type coz that would have made him annoying. Instead he keeps his cool and try to be as neutral as he can (which is difficult to do with the constant teasing). But that doesn't make him less entertaining. So thank you J, for making life slightly more interesting that the usual boring stuff here.

For my darling students (especially Nicky boy and Ali - who I know will be reading this), don't take this entry and twists it to your own weird understanding. Read it as it is!

Feeling blue...

2006-07-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

Proud of my Broken Heart

by Emily Dickinson

Proud of my broken heart, since thou didst break it.
Proud of the pain, I did not feel till thee.
Proud of my night, since thou, with moons, dos't shake it.
Not to partake thy passion, -my humility

Grammar

2006-07-17T15:28:00.000+08:00

Qualification: B. Ed. TESL, M. ESL (currently pursuing)
Occupation: English Teacher

So technically, I am not to make any mistakes in my usage of the English language. Now...is this true? No. Why? Well for one thing I am human. Humans make mistakes. But rest assured that I don't make atrocious mistakes that shame the people in my field of occupation. Careless? Yeah...even though I always tell my students to double check all their written work. I have one particular student who picks up these mistakes that I have done (twice to be exact). I do wish to extend my gratitude (I swear this is from my heart - not sarcasm) to Nicky boy for doing so as it keeps me on my toes so that I can strive to be the best that I can in my role as an educator.

"ein Herz und eine Seele sein"

Disaster area...

2006-07-12T10:57:00.000+08:00

I am quite the messy person in terms on organizing my work area...I distinctively remembered the Japanese method that Azad used to arranged his table...boring to me but I guess it works for some people...But the thing is, I can find all the necessary items on my table provided that nobody has touched anything...major rule...we are working towards a paperless society but in this case I don't think it's possible...huahahaha...

Cool website

2006-07-07T10:37:00.000+08:00

My 'cool' nerd colleague showed me this really cool website. Go check it out even if you are not a science person. It is unbelievable...interactive. I urge you to go check it out. http://health.discovery.com/tools/blausen/blausen.html

Mom - Part 2

2006-07-05T17:37:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in a long time...been busy...but I guess now is a good time to do a part 2 of mom. Time passes by quickly and the cliche saying that 'time heals' is really true. This 27th July 2006 would be the 1st anniversary of my mother's passing. Can it really be one year? When I look back into my memory box, I only remember the good things without the grief and sorrow...slightly whimsical but no longer the profound sorrow that I use to feel. Do I miss her? Hell yeah...I'll always miss her, I can still even smell her. Weird but true. My father is in the process of finding a new wife with the children's blessing. My late mother was a person with wisdom. Before she passed on, she reminded myself and my brothers that once she is gone her part in my dad's life will be over. So when my father wants to start a new chapter, we are not to create problems or protest. I also give credit to my father for always be upfront and not keep secrets from us. So we are pretty open about his 'project'. All that we ask for is that she be a woman with good religious background, be able to take care of my father well and accepts us as her own. We on our part will try our best to embrace her into our fold. Does it feel weird that when I hold a conversation with my father and he talks about another woman? Yeah it is. But it is also inevitable. What will happen? Only God knows and only He will bless us thus only our prayers can help.

Happy happy joy joy...

2006-04-28T11:13:00.000+08:00

My exams are finally over...sigh...well whether I did well or not I'll have to wait and see...sigh... I want to go and enjoy but I have a 500,000 words dissertation to complete in two semesters... Can I do it?!?!?! I have to...writing 5000 words is already a struggle...I have got a mammoth task in front of me... But before that I need a vacation... A good long break at some nice untouched beach surrounded by nature... I was thinking along the line of Fiji Islands or Maldives... Well I can dream right... This year I am planning a trip to Mount Kinabalu... And yes I plan to climb it (stop laughing...I am currently training myself...so how well I complete my training will be the decisive factor of whether or not I go). I want to make it to the top and see the beautiful view... Well lets hope my plan works out...if not I shall have to postpone it to early next year.

Bursting head...

2006-04-08T10:28:00.000+08:00

Exams are coming...and one subject is bound to kill me...Critical Discourse Analysis...sigh...a very interesting subject to learn but way too complicated...sigh...3 hours of exam...sheesshh...but glad that classes are over...now I have two semesters to do my dissertation...sigh...that's another headache...but I have the utmost respect for women who are pursuing their masters and at the same time managing a husband, children etc. Amazing how they do it...I usually stop whining when I reflect and look at other people's situations.

Afterglow...

2006-03-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

Love this song....

Afterglow by INXS
Album: Switch (2005)
Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

Falling in love...

2006-03-23T18:22:00.000+08:00

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you do not know? Can you fall in love with an idea of a person? I am too old to be going through this (I can actually visualize my friends shaking their heads). I should be settled down with one person and maybe a few kids of my own but no instead I have this 'heart beats faster, face turning red, clumsiness' kind of crush on a guy that has no idea that I exist. I honestly do not want to go through this but I can not help it and it is annoying. Of course I have told some close friends and I am sure they think it is silly (but never to my face - they are too kind). Many have advised for me to tell him how I feel. But how can I do that. Here are my reasons, ranked by importance:

I. He has a girlfriend (that should me from continuing my entry but I need to let out some of my feelings)
ii. I have no idea why I am so interested (some would use the word desperate but I am going to avoid it)
iii. No self confidence, no guts and cannot face rejection (which I am sure that will be the outcome of it)
iv. Too busy (but not too busy - I can still think about him)
vi. And a multitude of other silly reasons

This used to be the fun part of having a crush on someone (way back during my younger days). Now it is just plain embarrassing and disgusting. My reaction to my crush is the opposite of what someone would do if he or she likes that person. Whenever I have to face him, I tend to react as if he is not there. I put on a stuck up face. I have a good reason why I react this way. Whenever I am near a person that I like I tend to blush (a dead give away) and I have this great fear that I might giggle like a silly woman. I position myself as a very unfeminine female. So I try to avoid anything that would put me in the position of being a 'gedik' person. When I say that to some people this how most of them react: "La...no wonder you are not married...you must put yourself out there then only can find" and I usually just keep quiet because it is probably true. But this is how I am.

I have loved only two men in my life: one could decipher my actions and acted upon it (thank God for that) and the other I had to wait for ages for him to come around. I have this policy that I will never be the first to express my feelings (but I broke this rule once...silly me). Obviously this crush is not love...I mean how can you love someone you do not know. That is just silly but I am annoyed with myself because he is in my head at all times. Sigh...I really hate this...way too old for this... *&%#$@*&?!?

Dreams...

2006-02-24T13:52:00.001+08:00

This song by Gabrielle is my all time favourite, it brings back beautiful memories!!!

Dreams

Move a step closer you know that I want you
I can tell by your eyes that you want me too
Just a question of time I knew we'd be together
And that you'd be mine I want you here forever

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
I can't deny my feelings 'cause I know they are true

Dreams can come true
Look at me babe I'm with you
You know you gotta have hope
You know you gotta be strong

I've seen you sometimes on your own and in crowds
I knew I had to have you my hopes didn't let me down
Now you're by my side and I feel so good
I've nothing to hide don't feel that I ever could

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel
I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real
I know what I want and baby it's you
Can't deny my feelings because they are true

I'm not making plans for tomorrow let's live for tonight
I know I want you baby so hold me tight
Put your arms around me you make me feel so safe
Then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay

...If all goes as planned...I shall see 'Casanova' tonight and I am hoping Heath is convincing enough as I need to get rid of his convincing 'Brokeback' character...

Hope...kikikiki...

2006-02-15T17:06:00.000+08:00

Most people that know me are aware of my weight battles. I have unsuccessfully tried every diet stuff there is out there in the market except for the real solution that is exercise...I am just plain lazy. I have even experience being told by a few guys that they enjoy my company, like my mind and if I lost weight they would have definitely wanted to either date me or marry me. How insulting is that?!?!?! Sigh...but that's the reality of it but at the same time there are fat people out there who's happily married...so I guess I am not one of those either. I usually don't feel depressed about this but stupid Valentine's Day created a different atmosphere. All the balloons, flowers, chocolates and romantic dinners...made me feel ucky...and I don't even celebrate Valentine's. But today a fatty friend sent me an email asking me to go to this one particular website to check out some pictures. So I did...lo and behold...a picture to brighten up my day...silly some might think but hey it works for me!!! A loving husband and wife...Freddy Rodriguez and Elsie.

Disturbed

2006-02-09T10:30:00.000+08:00

Brokeback Mountain

I knew of course that this movie touched on the issue of homosexuality. Clarification on my position on this issue: I have gay and lesbian friends, I accept their choices as individuals but I do not condone it as I believe it to be a sin, there are no grey areas in this matter only black and white. So here was my expectation: I have always enjoyed Ang Lee's movies like 'Eat Drink Man Woman', 'The Wedding Banquet' and so on. The reason why I have enjoyed his movies were because of his focus on the minute details that made his movie realistic and believable. So I was curious as to how he wanted to approach a movie about two gay cowboys. I mean cowboys people- Marlboro man stereotype - macho, tan, horseback riding, nice fitting jeans and all the delicious details that embodies a stereotypical MAN. I also wanted to see two good looking actors who I admire for their acting skills and looks (shallow but whatever) - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. So I was thinking, two heterosexual men are going to show case their acting skills and at the same time provide me with some eye candy. So I bought the DVD and took it to a friend's apartment as I felt that I should watch it with a friend which was a wise decision as I cannot begin to describe how disturbed I felt when the movie was over. My friend's neighbours were probably thinking that these two ladies were probably watching a horror movie with all the screaming and yelling. Typically, a gay movie revolves around two guys whereby one of them is sort of feminine (broken wrist) and there tend to be a humorous element inserted. But this movie did none of those as the depth of emotions that these two men brought forth was too much for me and my friend to handle. The tenderness that they express focusing on minute details like a touch, an expression of sorrow, a look of love, a gentle kiss were too real and that made it so scary. If I were to make a comparison to 'My Own Private Idaho' (Nor would know this), 'Brokeback Mountain' is so much more that I cannot find the words. If I, a woman, watched this and felt uncomfortable, I cannot imagine a man watching. The passion that these two actors showed was so real that I actually believed that they were so deeply in love with each other and this feeling of love grew deeper within the span of 20 years. Unbelievable. I strongly believe that this movie should not be watched by our youths. The implication of it is so huge that it might create a new generation that is willing to take the forbidden step to go against religion, society and nature all for the sake of LOVE. Some might not agree with me well everyone has an opinion and this is mine.

Cradle Snatcher

2006-01-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

I finally found someone interesting enough to actually initiate some sort of communication when suddenly I googled him and found out something that was too scary to even consider. I looked at his birthdate and guess what...it's June 26, 1981!!!!!! That's like 5 freaking years!!! I was 5 years old when his mother gave birth to him!!!! I finished Form 5 and he just entered Form 1!!!! I was so disappointed...he was nice to look at and there's something about his character that really peaked my interest. I wish I was the type that could coolly accept an age gap that huge but unfortunately I can't. I guess if I looked 23 instead of 30 which I will be this year then I don't mind so much. Colleagues keep telling me that Demi and Ashton is a good example which I will roll my eyes to that statement...I mean duhh!!! I need to look something like Demi to make that work out. And how bout maturity...we all agree that the male species tend to mature at a slower rate than the female species...so I am back at the drawing board and probably put a curtain over it and let it rest awhile...I am tired...Selamat Hari Raya Qurban to all.

Procreation 2

2005-11-24T12:38:00.000+08:00

All the buns are out of the warm ovens...

May Allah bless the births of these three wonderful babies (all scorpios hmmm....) -

1. Iman Nur Laila Zulfiqar
2. Aneesa Farzana Wan Azrizul Azad
3. Myftzal Dzaeffran Qayyum Mafeitzeral

If Myftzal's sire teaches him all that he knows regarding the matters of the heart then Laila and Aneesa will have to fight for his affection...hehehe...then the parents will have a jolly good time managing that. Can't wait to see that. Insyaallah.

Well now friends have started on the number two and three children and I have yet to find a partner to procreate with...hmmm...shall 2006 be the year? I guess I have to wait and see.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Cherish This Time

So your baby is here!

What joy and what pleasure!

Now your life is expanding,

To make room for this treasure.

A darling newcomer

To have and to hold--

Her (His) smiles are more precious

Than silver or gold.

She’ll (He’ll) demolish your schedule

Though she’s helpless and small;

She’ll make her needs known,

And she’ll rule over all.

See, a new parent’s work

Is just never quite done,

But you’ll never mind,

‘Cause it’s all so much fun.

When you hear her cute giggle

You’ll start "aahing" and "oohing,"

And she’ll soon reply back

By "ga ga" and "goo gooing."

Those big innocent eyes

See a world strange and new;

To make sense of it all

She’ll look only to you.

So cherish this time

Of miraculous things--

The excitement and wonder

That a new baby brings.

J.F.

Mom - Part 1

2005-11-23T15:11:00.000+08:00

The word 'mom' and all its other forms invokes a multitude of emotions in me. The sensitivity I feel every time I think of my mother is so acute that it is not the tears that come out but just profound sadness that makes my heart feel heavy and desolate. As a Muslim, I accept and embrace death as part of a cycle of life that is not the end journey but it does not change the fact that I miss her smile, her laughter, the smell of her perfume when I kiss her. Basically I miss her like hell. Until today whenever I enter the front door, I will unconsciously try to hear her voice welcoming me home, I fear that I will forget the sound of her voice calling my name. I am a selfish person. When she was alive, I often wished that her fight against cancer would be a long and victorious battle. It never once crossed my mind how she felt, the suffering she had to go through when she had to swallow all those pills, the pain of fluid extraction procedure, the horrible chemo, the multitude of tests and her inability to breathe properly that took a toll on her strength. I never once thought of that. I just wanted her to live. I just wanted her to be by my side forever. Selfish? Most definitely. There were some days that tire me when I had to go back and forth from work to the hospital and then to my classes and the cycle repeats again. But that was okay. I could still see her. I could touch her. I could kiss her. I could hug her with all my might. Never once I thought that death would release her from all the discomfort that she felt.

The night of her death is seared in my mind like a hot poker to flesh. We all knew the time was coming but it did not make it any easier. I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, I stared at her and listened to her breathing. I finished the Yassin and I was counting how many times she inhaled and exhaled. My father was on the other side whispering the two kalimah syahadah in her ears. All my brothers were around her bed touching her as if that will tell her to hold on and not leave us. Alas that was not a choice to be made by us as the sakaratul maut took my mother during my fifth count of her inhalation. Through the blur of tears and sobs I heard my father say 'innalillah...'. The finality of that moment is indescribable. I felt breathless, my heart felt like it was squeezed so tightly that I thought it would burst. I kept on kissing her as I knew in a few hours I would never be able to kiss her again. In death her expression was peaceful as she no longer had to struggle for air.

From time to time I will need to write about my mother as this is a way for me to release my feelings. One therapeutic way of healing other than religion.

I love you Mommy, always and forever.

CHALLENGES

2005-07-14T09:29:00.000+08:00

This week was my first week of classes...hell I was so excited that I felt like I was a school kid again...I actually went to a bookstore and got myself a whole bunch of new writing materials, folders and other stuff that I don't really need but what the heck...but at the same time I do realize the incoming projectiles of assignments, tutorials, test and yadayadayada...taking 3 classes on a part time basis is risky but hey I've got 3 weeks to add/drop stuff...but if married people with kid(s) can do it why not me...I do worry if I can't be around when my mom needs me but I shall deal with it when the time comes...But the funny thing is when I was walking around the faculty, I was surrounded by young freshies and this brought back great memories of my own university life (minus the failure ;-0)...of course during that time there were no other worries other than to study (and of course getting your crush to ask you out)...it's good to be back but I do have to say this....THE FREAKING PASSING MARK IS 64%...anything lower forget it...now to people like me (never aimed for all A's - I usually go through the alphabet) that's tough...sigh...well wish me luck.

Moi

2005-07-06T16:05:00.000+08:00

The thing about photographs....they can be deceiving...it's all about the right angles... ;-)
moi

Partners and Marriage

2005-06-29T16:32:00.000+08:00

Somebody forwarded this to me and I thought that it is something so profoundly true that I wanted to share it:

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

Procreation

2005-06-21T11:38:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I blogged...no time...so despite the hectic schedule today, I managed to scan some blogs and what a wonderful surprise...three pregnancies this year (cerita basi but hey better late than never)...so I would like to extend my congratulations to Haniza, Mafietz, Yanti, Azad, Sue and Fiqar for the rezeki God has bestowed them. For Haniza, you are always in my prayers and may God give you strength to face the challenges He gives you. Trials and tribulations are part of the purification process that prepares you for the afterlife. So be strong dear friend eventhough I know it sounds so cliche. Well back to work now for me...I love my work but at times I feel like I need to thrash a student...sigh.

The Gender of my Brain

2005-02-25T13:33:00.000+08:00

I finally figured out why I am not yet married. My brain is half female half male or to be exact: 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male...fewwgghhh...thank God the percentage for female is higher. What does this actually mean...well according to the explanation given it's good: my brain is a healthy mix of male and female and I am both sensitive and savvy; rational and reasonable. I also tend to keep a level head (the irony). But I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. By the way Dil if you are reading this I am 80% Leo. I am a sucker for all these online testing thingamajig. I was curious enough to find out what gender my brain is and lo and behold my brain is both. And I also found out that the country I belong to is UK...blarney...not what I want...thinking more along the line of Fiji Islands. Another thing is I don't belong in the year 2005 but I actually belong to the year 1966...what an old soul I am. Last but not least the meaning of my name:

NURLEENA
N is for Normal
U is for Unreal
R is for Remarkable
L is for Logical
E is for Excellent
E is for Enchanting
N is for Nice
A is for Abstract

So I am normal but unreal; all the other good stuff but also an abstract...hmmm...weird. Well if some of you have all the time in the world to go check out these quizzes...go try...kinda fun...silly but fun. Ciao...;-)

Death

2005-02-25T11:24:00.000+08:00

Nowadays when I read the newspaper I actually look for gory stories that deal with murder. It becomes so common that I am actually disappointed when there are no horrible stories to read. Now you may think that I am some kind of sick person who enjoys reading these stories. Well I don't enjoy them. But the weird thing is that it becomes a part of my reading material as Malaysia is so full of these horrible murders - stabbing, raping, sodomizing, burning, strangling, slashing, beating- these are just some of the words that describe these terrible crimes. What is happening to our country? I use to be able to cycle any where I want to in TTDI even at night. Now forget it. Who should be blamed? Western influences? Please that's a road taken and let's not blame others for our mistakes. So what has caused our society to deteriorate so badly?

Ramblings...

2005-02-03T10:06:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine gave me this nice piece of writing and I would like to share it with everyone...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

This came to me at the right time...as I was contemplating the number that is associated with age I was feeling a bit low...as usual...but this piece of work really cheered me up...I love life, my life with all the ups and downs...;-)!

Gentle Giant

2005-01-03T13:15:00.000+08:00

My first entry for the year 2005. Yesterday, Nor and I went to visit Dil and Eza to see his beautiful baby daughter, Soffyya. A gorgeous baby with thick hair and twinkling eyes. It was a really touching moment to see Dil gently picking up his daughter...thus the term gentle giant!!! But again I forgot my camera so I was unable to capture the sweet moment. I do pity the daughter though...she will have a hard time learning to spell her name...it's not enough that her name has many letters but her papa's name is also complicated...atleast she doesn't have to spell her mama's name too often, Azhaezah...so to sweet Imanee Soffyya Ibdilillah, welcome to the circle of life in Taman Tun.

CANCER

2004-12-13T14:06:00.000+08:00

The word cancer has brought a new meaning to my life. I always hear it happening to others and thinking that it will never cross my path...that I would be one of the lucky ones to not be dealing with it myself. Then suddenly my world literally came crashing down. My beloved mother was diagnosed with having papillary adenocarcinoma on the 19th of November 2004. This cancer is a rare form of lung cancer. I have been having a tough time just dealing with the diagnosis itself. It still has not sink in yet. There are days when I feel confident about fighting it...that we will be successful in getting rid of this horrible disease that is ravaging my mom. And yet there are days when I feel afraid...afraid of losing my mother whom I selfishly is unable to live without. When facing her, I am the strongest daughter there is...showing a positive outlook and keeping the spirit up. But when night comes, the fear suffocates me that I am terrified of sleeping. I feel that she is just going to disappear on me and I will be alone. I am not ready to be without her...nobody is really ever ready to be without their mothers. I have to remind myself that this is God's will and that He is testing my family's faith in Him. Religion has brought peace when days are dark and stormy. Family and friends have provided emotional support when needed. Only Allah will be able to repay their kindness.

Routine...

2004-11-22T10:43:00.000+08:00

Back to work...sucks...but what to do...I need the pay check. Sigh...this Eid has been the most hectic Eid of my life. I had to handle the hordes of relatives...mom is sick...really sick...worried like hell. Friends were great...dropped by to check mom's stats...Thanks to Dr. Omar, Dr. Telal, Dr. Haniza, and Dr. Sue...really cool to have friends with knowledge. But it has been a joyous occasion as well...I get to play with so many cute babies...Puteri, Lyana, Ilhan, Aiman and many more...some are still in the oven...Eza that is...can't wait to see Dil's baby. Well hope that things will look better in the weeks to come.

Eid

2004-11-10T16:04:00.000+08:00

Have a Blessed Eid!

Lost 4 kg...sigh...gonna gain twice as much during Raya!

Flabs

2004-11-10T09:29:00.000+08:00

Weight loss...an issue close to my heart or maybe I should say closer to my thighs, ass, flabby arms and the list goes on...Pilates (pulateez - pronunciation not at all according to the spelling...matsalehs go figure), Yoga, The South Beach Diet, The Atkins, The Zone, Weight Watchers, and the more extreme makeover Liposuction (scary procedure - imagine a long tube scrapping your insides and sucking out yellow pink fatty stuff) are some examples of modern weight loss programs/procedures. What did we have in the 80's - the ever present Jane Fonda's aerobic video then later on it was Cindy Crawford (I spent the whole time admiring her perfect body - zero movement). I have always wanted to lose weight (friends would hurl projectiles if they read this as I have said it a gazillion times). But I really do - Reason (1) in a fantasy world the 'ONE' would love all of you including the extra baggage - reality = bullshit because no matter what anyone says, looks or in this case body shape comes first...I will be 29 in the year 2005 so I need to get hitch soon (the hitch thing will be further dealt with in another blog). Reason (2) health scare...the lifestyle of today's population is different...fast food is a major source of unhealthy fat intake thus leading to heart problem, cholesterol and so on...so I really don't want to keel over at a tender age. Reason (3) clothes...gosh there are so many cool stuff out there but it never goes beyond the L size (which is actually still way too small) so I have to resort to the Ms. Read section, Total Woman or the Big Brown Bag...what joy! NOT! So these are the reasons why. Some might ask why not a gym..been there done that...spent RM2000 for membership but I only went there like 10 times...what did I do - sauna and jacuzzi and maybe about 5 minutes on the bike or some other thingamajig...so forget that. How bout diet pills...been there done that too. I think I know the solution - a mental change first...I need to set my mind on what I want then the body will follow next...but to get over the mental block of laziness is the biggest hurdle I have not yet been able to do...sigh...same ole' same ole'. -wish for a magick fat wand- abracadabra and puff there goes the fat-

New blog

2004-11-09T14:54:00.000+08:00

Well a new blog spot for me as I have terminated my other one as the ramblings got a bit too violent and evil. Eid is almost here and it has been a wonderful Ramadhan for me as it was sort of a gathering of friends from all over the place. The only incomplete part of my life is that I wish I have someone other than family and friends to share my life with. Please don't mistake this for ungratefulness...I am happy with my life as I have everything that a person would want except for a partner to share it with. And it really gets lonely at times especially at gatherings where friends bring along spouses and my favourite part...babies...the yearning always bring tears to my eyes. A lot of my friends say that I am very choosy...I am...not in terms of looks but in terms of character...I have been burnt before so bad that trust is the most sacred thing that is difficult to find. It is so difficult to find a malay man that is not a typical malay man (mmbbuaahh would really have something to say about that statement)...but at the same time I do understand that I am not perfect either...my friends will vouch for that at any time (pink lady and mrs. hua zhe lei). I am not feminine...I am not thin at all (I could lose a lot of pounds)...I am not gorgeous (and I am not being humble just honest...that is what blogs are for)...I am damn sarcastic...But at the same time I am also a nice person and at times people say that I am hilarious (people say not me)...so there you go...the sad chapter of my life as an intro...actually on other days I am quite a cheerful person...melancholy hit me bad today...must be the festivities...;-)!